


Driftwood

by fikiwiki



Category: The Voice (US) RPF, The Voice RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:49:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 46,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6173431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fikiwiki/pseuds/fikiwiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an accident Adam deepens his relationship with Blake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I know you

 

He didn’t want to talk and he hadn't since the day he arrived at the clinic but despite that everyday someone would crouch down low in front of him so they were at his eye level and ask “How are you feeling?” or some variation of that. He didn't have the words to describe succinctly that it felt like he was rotting on the inside and not just metaphorically he really felt like a poisonous bile was coursing through his body infecting and ripping through his veins. He felt labored and dulled like his brain was bloated and worthless and he didn’t have the energy to answer anyone’s inane questions, he didn’t have the energy to talk at all.

 

The first few months of his stay there had been a constant stream of visitors squeezing his shoulder and telling him things would get better but no matter what they said or did they all got the same response. Adam would look off into the distance and pretend that no one was in the room until his guests would leave. He knew it was hurtful to these people that cared for him but he couldn't make himself give a shit about it. He was starting to get really good at pinpointing a persons breaking point, when he knew that they wouldn't come back. And he couldn't deny as fucked up as it was how relieved he was when they got to that point. What he liked the most was when people left pissed, that was a charge. His favorite was the friend who angrily shouted “At least you're alive, Asshole!” and stormed out. His anger with Adam was so vivid and brilliant he almost wanted to provoke him further and found himself dreaming about this friend knocking Adam right out of his wheelchair so violently he can hear the tender bones in his ever ailing leg break like dried up twigs. He would always wake from that dream with a longing to rebreak every bone he had broken in the accident and more. He wanted to hear the snap of every finger and every toe. He wanted to hurt. Adam knew he should have felt lucky, he was in a horrific car crash that killed every other person in the vehicle aside from himself and one other passenger. It was a miracle he was alive or thats what his family said and it was true the worst of his injuries 5 months after the accident was a badly broken leg that had required multiple surgeries and traction. It had also landed him in a wheel chair where his leg had to stick straight out in front of him. He wanted to feel lucky but he would look in his families eyes and he couldn't feel what they wanted him to, he was too numb to feel much of anything. He couldn't tell if he even felt sad about people he'd lost, friends he'd known since he was a child, people that knew him more than he knew himself were gone and he couldn't feel anything real about it.

 

Adams days at the rehab were simple and straight forward and for the first time in his life he welcomed the monotony. Truth be told Adam didnt need to be in a shitty physical rehab center. He could have gone home straight from the hospital upon release but he didnt. He holed up in a place where nameless workers took care of his needs and he could hide from real life and also notably the press. His favorite part of the day was by far when he wheeled himself out onto what was generously referred to as the “garden”. In reality it was really just a bit of cracked concrete butted up against a plot of grass with one single palm tree in the center of the lawn. It was the most he felt at peace looking out at the sunset every evening. When he was informed he had a visitor Adam wanted to tell them to go away, that his moment of zen for the day shouldn't be disturbed but he knew whoever it was was already two steps behind some well meaning orderly and there was no avoiding yet another awful interaction.

 

Adam heard heavy footsteps coming towards him and he had no reason to suspect it but he knew who it was before he heard the long country draw of his friend greeting him “Hey Buddy”. This was only the second time Blake had come to see Adam but he had started his last visit the exact same way he knelt down in front of Adam and tried to catch his gaze. He lingered longer than anyone else usually did before patting Adams hand and standing straight up again. There was a stubbornness to Adams grief, that Blake didn’t understand but he also wasn't deterred by it.

 

“The homeless look really works on you.” Blake chuckled pretending not to notice Adam shrinking away. He'd never seen Adam so unkempt. His hair had gotten long, so long it started to curl on the ends and his beard was such a colossal bush he could almost picture tiny families of birds nesting in it. He still wasn’t used to Adams quiet. The last time he visited it had thrown him off and was surprised that he felt upset when he left. The visit had sat with him longer than he thought it would. Though to be fair the whole accident had weighed on Blake more than he had thought it would. He found himself reliving that night of the wreck and the strange agony that had taken him over. He had felt nauseous before he even checked his phone that night which was going crazy in the kind of way that he knew something bad had happened he just hadn't expected it to be about Adam. Blake kept reading the headline “Tragic car accident involving Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine” over and over, not able to look away from the pictures of a mangled car. And that’s when the sweat filled panic had set in, when he blindly raced to the hospital and used every ounce of his fame to see him only to be denied and he expected it, he understood it but he couldn't go home to bed and say the things you're meant to say when a friend is hurt or worse. There had to be more to do he thought when there wasn't. Blake marveled at the fact that Adam was alive sitting right in front of him. But it wasn't enough for Blake, he needed to push a little because he couldn't go home without having heard his voice. He decided he'd bore Adam into submission until he was begging Blake to shut up about hunting or whatever other tedious topic Blake could come up with but Adam wouldn't budge.

 

“Tell me to leave and I'll leave” Blake tried to sound like he wasn't pleading but he wanted to pry at least one solitary word from Adam. It didn’t have to be a big word or nice one just anything. He didn’t know if he wanted to help as much as he wanted to squash the sick feeling he got in his gut when he had to face how fragile Adam was. He wanted to pull Adam out of that chair and squeeze him or wrap him up and run away with him. He settled for bending back down and placing his hand over Adams. He wanted to explain why he was there, why he cared but he couldn't come up with the right words. He considered telling him how when he thought Adam might be gone from the earth that it physically hurt like a knife to the heart but he decided that wasn't the right thing to say to the guy who actually did lose so much that night.

 

“I couldn't have lost another brother” Blake finally offered laying the the statement bare at Adams feet with no lead up or explanation but it was all Blake had thought about since the accident. It was what brought him to this shit hole of a place when he knew Adam didn’t want him there.

 

“For fucks sake Shelton...” It came out so garbled and strange that the sound of Adams own voice startled him. Blake had taken him off guard and he wasn't expecting the beginning of a genuine feeling to bubble up in his chest. It took hold of Adam and it pissed him off. This was what he was avoiding, he didn’t want heart to hearts and it wasn't as if others hadn't tried to tug at his rancid heart strings but some how Blake just flew under the wire.

 

“You can't say shit like that” Adam whined , He was furiously rubbing his forehead not so much out of anger but out of exhaustion and the complete lack of ability to process this level of sentimentality.

 

“It's the truth, Adam...” Blake shrugged like he hadn't meant to punch Adam in the emotional gut by invoking the spirit of his brother. He hadn't said it to torture Adam with his feelings he just wanted Adam to know he was family.

 

They fell silent again and Blake began to fidget and periodically look down at Adam as if he were about to speak and then he'd stop himself. It both worried and annoyed Adam in equal measure.

 

“Why are you here?” Blake motioned with his hands back towards the rehab. He sort of knew the answer but he was trying to gracefully build to a point.

 

“You know why”

“Why in this shit hole though?”

“Because it doesn't matter...”

“You could stay with me...if it doesn't matter...” Blake spoke so earnestly that Adam didn’t have the heart to reject him out right. Instead he folded his arms across his chest hoping his silence would be answer enough.

“C'mon...Adam....you could hide there as well as here.”

“Blake...I won't talk about what happened...I don't want to think about it....I'll never want to talk about that stuff.”

“Then don't...”

“You can't help me Blake, and I don’t want you to”

“I don't want to either” Blake teased “I'm just trying to give you a place to stay because this place is just embarrassing...you're a rock star for gods sake”

Adam chuckled slightly under his breath before growing serious once again.

“You don't know me anymore” Adam made sure to look Blake in the eye so he could see for himself because he was sure Blake would see how Adam was different if he looked hard enough.

“I do.” Blake smiled gently and patted Adams hand “I know you”

 

 

 

 


	2. Marshmallow

He didnt know why he was nervous considering Blake had been the one to offer his place to begin with but he still fumbled with his phone passing it from hand to hand over and over. This was the same phone that had sat powered off and unused for months. The minute he turned it back on it buzzed and dinged as if it was celebrating his return to it. After procrastinating by reviewing the many #prayforadam tweets and “you ok” texts from friends that he didn't reply to, he finally plucked up the courage to call him. It was late and he could tell Blake had been sleeping, he sounded surprised and groggy. Adam figured that was reason enough for cutting to the chase and with no precursor or greeting he asked if he could “crash” at Blakes very intentionally choosing the words that he thought would come off the most casual. Blake agreed haltingly and Adam wasn't sure if his trepidation stemmed from sleepiness or if Blake had changed his mind but it felt too late for take backs on either end. He sent a car to pick Adam up and discreetly take him to a private jet where Blake was waiting to whisk him off to Oklahoma of all places. When he entered the plane Blake stood straight up like he was greeting an old timey southern lady though it probably had less to do with gentlemanly manners than it did with the fact that Adam had shed his wheelchair and was now sporting a cane which was very exciting. It was at first to Adam until he grew to hate the cane. Even if he limped or hobbled for the rest of his life he'd rather do it without having to carry around a stupid chunk of wood. A fan on the hospital staff had given him a decorative cane with a tiger carved onto the handle and it was gaudy and weird but had been given to him in such a thoughtful way that that was the only thing he liked about the whole situation.

It had been weeks since Adam had left the clinic but he still felt this all encompassing fog of exhaustion that hung over him no matter how long he slept he'd still wake up with a tiredness settled in his bones. It was new to him, he was always the guy who could never sit still. Now it had become his habit to sleep past noon and stay up most the night just lazily plucking at Blakes guitars or playing video games. He always expected Blake to clock him on it but Blake never complained about the noise at night or that Adam was a terrible house guest in general. It didn't matter what time Adam woke up Blake always seemed to stop what he was doing and greet him and try to converse with Adam. At first those conversations were short and awkward but as weeks went on they got a little longer and sometimes weirder which Blake kind of liked most of the time.

“I'm pretty sure there are wolves out here.” Adam announced remembering to take a quick look out the window to see if there were any noticeable animal tracks.  
“There aren't” Blake quickly dismissed Adams observations this being the one topic he no longer wanted to discuss at length considering Adam had been insisting some sort of beast stalks Blakes house at night for weeks now and Blake was running out of ways to explain that wasn't true.  
“I heard them last night”  
“You didn't”  
“Fine” Adam conceded though he was still confident he was right. He had heard it so clearly the night before and it definitely didn’t sound like someones golden retriever. It had interested him so much he had gone outside to inspect the matter only to lose his nerve when he thought the howls were getting closer. 

Adam could feel Blakes eyes on him which wasn't unusual. Blake had a habit of watching him closely which could have just been a symptom of being the only two people living in a house out in the middle of nowhere. But more likely Adam figured it was because Blake was waiting for Adam to crack and he had started instinctively swatting at Blake when he found that he was watching longer than Adam liked. He turned around prepared to admonish him but found Blake wasn't watching him with the same cautious glare as usual. Blake instead had this incredibly amused look on his face and his eyes were dancing the way they did when he was dying to make a joke.

“What?” Adam groaned 

“You know those are Jens, right?” Blake pointed at Adams outfit no longer stifling his laughter. Adam had taken to wearing a pair of slightly too short and too tight pink thermal long johns he'd found in the back of a closet. If he had to assume who they belonged to he might have guessed they belonged to Blakes girlfriend but he hadn't really thought about it. He saw them and put them on immediately and he didn’t examine the reason why though he was beginning to see through Blakes delighted eyes that it was on the stranger side of things to have done. 

“You look like hill folk” Blake joked referring to the thermal underwear paired with Adams ever growing still present straggly beard. Then he made a hundred more lame jokes until Adam finally caved in and laughed more genuinely than he expected. 

“Does Jen come here often?” Adam asked suddenly struck with the thought of Blakes girlfriend showing up and it gave him more anxiety then he would ever admit. It wasn't that he didn’t like her, he practically adored her but the thought of having to be a proper social human being to someone was daunting. He had just gotten used to semi conversing with Blake again and he couldn't picture being able to tolerate anyone else but him. 

“No, actually she's recording” Blake was going to expand on this but Adam had already lost interest and was poking through the cabinets on the search for cereal.  
“Wanna come out with me today...?” Blake asked knowing he was going to have to convince Adam but he made sure to sound off the cuff as if that would subliminally make Adam breezily agree to go.  
“Nah...” Adam stared at the back of the cheerios box in front of him like he was conducting important research hoping Blake wouldn't press him further. He wasn't ready for people, he didn’t know why but he wasn’t. He thought they would all have the same expression and ask him the same questions and it bothered him to the point that he worried he wouldn't be able to talk around it or even bluntly tell them to shut up, he just felt like a soft defenseless marshmallow like any protective shell he'd built up was gone.

“How about just on the grounds? Please...” Blake got up so he could crowd Adam and place his hand on his arm in attempt to be reassuring.

“Fine. I'll go, but I'm not changing so...” Adam gestured to the aforementioned pink ensemble he was wearing.  
“I wouldn't dream of asking you to.”

Adam threw a overcoat on and made his way very slowly outside to meet Blake who was grinning at him standing next to two all terrain vehicles. And Adam smiled back because he understood from Blakes confident stance that he'd thought his idea was a homerun specifically because it recalled a really great day he and Adam had spent together years ago, one of the first times they had ever hung out at Blakes place. Blake was right to be confident because it made Adam think of laughing and getting dirty and having fun and he began to remember it in the foggy golden haze of “the good old days”. 

Blake hovered over Adam who was struggling slightly until he eventually gave in and took Adams hand and ushered him onto the vehicle.  
“This ok?” he asked realizing he had no idea what activities were good for Adams wonky leg.  
“Yeah...lets do this” Adam pumped his fist in the air for emphasis which was so overboard it made Blake laugh.

They revved up their engines and Blake took off and Adam started behind him. Adam cruised through the open field so slowly he couldn't see Blake anymore in front of him, he could hear him yelling something which sounded like he was telling Adam to hurry up or calling him a pussy or well, Adam wasn't sure what he was shouting but it didn't help the feeling that was starting to churn in Adams stomach. It was building and growing and the faster he tried to go, the more he tried to catch up with Blake the worse it got until the feeling in his stomach reached his chest and he felt like he couldn't breath. He wanted to feel free like he did the first time Blake and he rode together but as much as he tried all he felt was out of control and he couldn't like it the way he used to. He knew there was very little that could hurt him out there but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was spiraling out. He turned the engine off hoping the panic would turn off with it but the damage was done and all he could do was slump forward and lay his head against the handle bars and try to breath.

“Adam!” He could hear Blake bounding towards him and when he reached Adam he pulled him up by the shoulders and tugged off his helmet.“Whats wrong? What Happened?” he took Adams face in both his hands so he could look him over.

“I'm a marshmallow.” Adam groaned defeated.  
“You're a what?” 

Adam didn't explain further but he peered up at Blake so pitifully that it made Blake sort of understand, not the marshmallow reference but he gathered Adam got scared. 

“You could ride on the back of mine, would that help?” Blake offered trying to stay upbeat and not let it show that he feared he'd broken Adam.  
“I don't know...probably not” Adams frustration felt overwhelming and he slammed his balled up fist into the side of the ATV and then again before Blake grabbed his wrists and pulled Adam towards him.  
“Hey...Stop..” he soothed as he looked over Adams swelling hand, not that he could do anything for it.  
“I'm just pissed...”  
“I know”  
It was like they were standing in the middle of space it was getting dark out and everything around them felt desolate in the fading light. Adam spent a fair amount of time looking down at his shoes avoiding Blake's gaze. He was trying to will himself back up on the horse so to speak but he couldn't get his body to cooperate. 

“Ok how about we ride on mine ...very slowly” Blake raised his eyebrows like this was an exciting offer while he was actually mentally willing Adam to stop staring at the ground and let them leave . “We can go by this pond...there’s ducks” he added like Adam was a five yr old child who he could win over so easily. Adam naturally looked at Blake like he was a moron, a look Adam had perfected over the years but the suggestion had at least grabbed his attention which was half the battle.

“Are you gonna shoot them in the face?” Adam sarcastically remarked regarding the ducks and Blakes penitent for shooting defenseless animals.  
“Not today, no” He answered dryly. Adam seemed to be moving past fear and embarrassment to something that was close enough to humorous and Blake was so grateful he couldn't seem to stop himself from ruffling his fingers in Adams hair like he was petting a big shaggy dog which to his surprise Adam didn’t seem to mind.

Finally, Adam signaled he was ready by making a vague motion towards the ATV essentially giving Blake permission to board. Adam braced himself on Blakes shoulder and cautiously climbed on behind him.

“You ready?”  
“Yeah its fine...” He stated confidently as if Blake hadn't witnessed him in a panic. He held on to the back of Blakes jacket until they started moving and Adam desperately wrapped his arms tightly around Blakes waist. He could feel Blakes warmth and the soft give of his middle and it was wholly unnecessary to hold on with such grip considering Blake was driving at the pace of a snail but Adam couldn't seem to let go. He couldn't stop focusing on where his hands were, and how it felt to be pressed against someone else. A few months ago it wouldn't have registered as important but now it was like something new, like he had never done this before. It was becoming apparent that months of no real human contact had had its affect on Adam. He felt warm and excited by the touch of someone and he allowed himself a few moments to bask in it before he began to overthink it. Adam had felt numb for months and this stupid little motion felt like too much, too quickly. He abruptly flung his arms off of Blake and grasped on to the sides of the vehicle. Blake could sense something was amiss behind him and shut off the engine to check on his friend. He didnt look scared anymore to Blake he looked distracted and annoyed.

“I'm gonna walk the rest” Adam announced slinging himself off the vehicle as fast as he could.  
“Are you ok to do that?” Blake tried hard to not sound like he was questioning Adam in a parental way but it didn’t really matter, Adam wasn't listening to Blake anyway. He was determined to do what he wanted and set off limping towards home. Blake hung back trailing Adam slowly deciding it best to let Adam work out whatever it was he needed to work out until he noticed Adam struggling and that he seemed more labored. Blake jogged up to be by Adams side but Adam acted like he wasn't there and tried to walked faster but he couldn't. He needed to move he needed shake out some of the weirdness he was feeling and he didn’t care if it hurt a little

“Shit....I need a drink” Adam breathed heavily, realizing being stuck in a wheelchair so long had left him slightly frail. 

“That sounds about right” Blake agreed. He was to the point where he was unreasonably irritated standing by watching Adam stumble and struggle. He not so slyly linked his arm with his friends, and helped bear some of Adams weight. He expected to be pushed away but Adam leaned into him and took his help and held on until they got to the house. Blake eased Adam onto a sofa then disappeared off into the kitchen. He returned with a bag of ice, 2 glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Adam tried to emit some sort of sound of approval but it came out as a grunt and he flung his head back into the couch cushions as if the strain of holding his own head up had become overwhelming.  
“You beat?”  
“Yeah” Adam sighed as he made grabby hands at the whiskey Blake was holding which Blake dutifully handed over.  
“No glass needed, huh?”  
“Nope” and true to his word Adam took a huge swig from the bottle and then cringed before taking another. He tipped the bottle towards Blake who drank from it less vigorously than Adam and passed it back. 

He knelt down in front of Adam and pushed his pant leg up above his knee. He thought about asking permission before he did it but Adam was so limp and consumed he didn’t even stir at Blakes intrusion. Blake hadn't before seen the results of Adams injuries up close outside of a few marks on Adams arms, but the scars along his leg ran deep like someone had carved into him, it was like rough gouges out of a block of wood, and he began to run his finger along the dents in Adams skin. He had gotten lost in the maze of lines and when he broke from it Adam was lazily staring down at him “Its ok” Adam reassured and he let his uncoordinated hand drop to pat at Blakes shoulder. Blake wasn't sure if Adam was trying to tell him to keep touching him or if he was telling him his leg was fine but either way he stayed at Adams feet gently resting the bag of ice on his knee while mindlessly massaging Adams calf which Adam seemed too buzzed to think too much about. Eventually, he let out little sighs of content which Blake took great pleasure in. 

“Today was weird..” Adam admitted. “I got really fucking weird out there”  
“You're alright now” Blake tried to catch Adams eye to try and make sure he knew that he shouldn't be bothered by it but Adams head was somewhere else swimming in thoughts.  
“This place is...I don’t know..its like nothing else exists, like this is all thats ever happened to me. I came here and I live here now and nothing else feels real.” he drew his hands up and let them drop. He knew he wasn't saying it the way he wanted. Blakes place was like a safe haven and he didn't know how to be outside of it. He had made his world smaller there and when he had to think of what do later it was too much to consider.  
“I think you've had too much to drink”  
“I've tried thinking about my family, but my mind just clouds and its like they're someones elses family. I should feel bad that they're worried but I don't and I thought today when I felt all these things...that it would be like flicking on a light switch and I would feel other stuff for other people the way I did before but...” Adam shrugged  
“It'll get better...” Blake assumed though he wasn't especially clear on how any of this worked.  
“I haven't even called my wife, and I don't want to. I should want to”  
“Give yourself some time. Look, a couple weeks ago you wouldn't let anyone close to you, now you're here and talking....that's progress.'  
“yeah, I guess it is.”

Blake swiped the whiskey from Adams hands deciding Adam had had enough. He stood and towered over his confused friend knowing it wasn't his place to police Adams drinking but he did it anyway. He took a quick swig to cover his intentions but he didn’t need to bother Adam was so mellow that only after a few seconds he seemed to forget Blake had taken the whiskey away from him in the first place.

“I'm gonna get to bed, ok” he reached down and gently pat the side of Adams face. 

Adam kept his eyes trained on Blake as he made his way up the stairs and he laid wasted only a few minutes before he followed him. He wasn't exactly lonely but he was starting to get feeling in his heart again and it seemed he wasn't quite ready to be alone for the night. If he were just a little more sober he'd have rethought what he was about to do maybe would have been minutely embarrassed by even the impulse but he wasn't hampered with such thoughts right then. He reached the top of the stairs and quietly started towards Blakes room. The door was left ajar and Adam felt like it might be a sign and nudged it open just enough so he could slip into the room. He could make out Blakes shape in the darkness and he moved in closer until he could see that Blake was lying on his side facing in the opposite direction. This was his last chance to turn back and he started to hear the voice in his head telling him that what he was about to do was strange and that rejection was forthcoming but he ignored it, after all he didn’t want anything illicit he just wanted to be near someone else. He couldn't explain why he wanted this after all these months, but he felt it so strongly he couldn't talk himself out of it. Adam softly lowered himself onto the bed next to him making sure he laid facing away from Blake, like if he didn’t face him Blake would some how never notice that his friend had snuck into his room to sleep in his bed for the night. He laid stock still until he started to relax. Blakes breathing was like a sound machine constant and low and he was drifting off to sleep when he could feel Blake shifting in bed and he knew he had been caught. He expected to be shaken awake or questioned in some way but Blake didn't make a sound. Adam clenched his eyes closed hard like it made any difference as he listened to Blake moving again. He started to feel the heat of Blake getting closer behind him and then he slung his arm around Adams waist. He didn’t grip him or pull Adam near it was more like he was just resting his arm there but it pleased Adam.

It wasn't immediately easy for Blake to get to sleep though the same could not be said for Adam. He wasn't expecting his friend, a grown man to climb into his bed that night. He had looked over at Adams slight form barely hanging on the edge of the bed and reluctantly he found there was something endearing about it like a pet that always sleeps at the foot of the bed. Blake had never thought of himself as a person who strictly adhered to conventional norms but there was always the first second of being confronted with Adams oddities where he was dumbfounded and wanted to resist them. This was one of those times and for a few moments he just stared at Adam there in his bed. And at first he thought it wasn't what Adam should be doing, because it made something in his chest flip flop and he didn’t know why. In the morning he smiled at the sight of Adam scruffy and vulnerable despite the thing in his head that was telling him this wasn't normal. He let his mind race through all the typical thoughts and warning flags until he grew tired of them, “Fuck it” he breathed to himself shaking his head, they were the only two people that existed last night and again today, and it didn’t have to be anything more than one friend helping another.

By the time Adam woke up Blake had already gotten out of bed and Adam padded downstairs barefoot to find Blake cooking eggs, humming to himself. He looked up at Adam without a hint of unease.  
“making eggs...want some?”  
“Sure.” Adam smiled politely still somewhat on guard. He had the fleeting inclination to explain himself regarding the previous night. He planned to tell Blake he was drunk and got confused and then he thought maybe telling him he just didn't want to be alone would suffice but Blake never looked to him for any answers, he didn't seem to act like anything strange had happened at all. Adam gathered two plates and placed them side by side at the kitchen island. Blake flipped the eggs onto the plates like he was one of those chefs at a hibachi grill. Adam laughed and relaxed into his seat and he let his excuses for last night float away, they didn't need them.


	3. altruistic hand job

“Are you gonna make the coffee?”

“I would if it was my turn...which it isn't” Blake grumbled.

“Who said anything about turns? When did we start taking turns?”

“Adam, you're more awake just go do it.”

“Fine. You want me to serve it to you in bed too?” Adam asked sarcastically.

“Yeah that would be great.” Blake responded as if Adam had been sincere then lolled his head back into his pillow while Adam shuffled out of bed. They had been sharing the bed for a couple weeks now. Adam never asked if it was ok if he kept on sleeping there and Blake never told him not to so it became apart of the routine.

Having been awakened Blake did what he always did every morning and sluggishly grabbed his phone off the bedside table. _“Can't wait to see you tomorrow xxx”_ he stared at the text from his girlfriend for a few moments. It was a jolt of a reminder of the thing he had been putting off. Although more accurately there were two things he had put off. The first being going back to LA. He had manged to avoid any reason to leave Oklahoma for three and a half months. It was a decision that had resulted in a lot of angry phone messages from his manager and broken engagements. The tension mounted until he finally had to give in and agree to go back for two weeks. The second thing he had avoided was telling Adam he was leaving. He had known he was going back for a week but he couldn't seem to bring it up. Everytime he tried his mouth wouldn't cooperate. He supposed it was because Adam seemed happier in recent weeks and he didn't want to disrupt the flow of progress but he wasn't sure now that had been reason enough.

Adam quietly slipped into the room with two cups of coffee carefully maneuvering back onto the bed without spilling. He was wearing nothing but a pair of gray boxer briefs and Blake was trying to find this inappropriate but was failing at doing so.

“Don't say anything” Adam grinned as he handed Blake his mug

“What? I can't thank you? I was just gunna thank you” Blake chuckled raising the cup in a sort of toast towards Adam and then took a sip. It was stronger than he liked but Adam seemed proud of himself for doing a task so Blake didn't bother to mention it. Adam sat cross legged next to Blake peeking over at his phone or trying to.

“You know you could just turn yours on. Then you too would have a phone to stare at in the morning” Blake playfully scolded as he shifted his phone out of Adams view.

“Yeah, but I can just look at yours so...”

Blake hid the phone away giving Adam his full attention.

“Whats the plan for today?” He asked as if Adam ever had a plan for the day. Adam shrugged in reply and it seemed like a good enough time as any to start the the dreaded conversation “Well...I have to pack.” Blake added matter-of-factly.

“Pack?” He furrowed his brow as if Blake had spoken to him in a foreign language.

“I have to go to LA for two weeks, for business.”

“Oh.” Adam stared down into his mug realizing how he stupidly had never in all this time considered that Blake might need to travel or have commitments. “when are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Adam gingerly set his coffee down “Good.”

“Good?”

“You have shit to do...good for you. Have fun..” Adam said dismissively. He couldn't read what Blake wanted him to say. He didn't know if he was supposed to say he would miss him or if he was supposed to say he didn't care so Blake didn't feel weird about going. Truthfully, he felt mildly anxious about Blakes two week absence but admitting to it seemed childish and unnecessary and with having nothing more to say Adam got up to leave

“Where you going?”

“To take a piss...” Adam answered like Blake had asked the stupidest question he'd ever heard before drifting out of the room. Within minutes of his exit the house was filled with music. Sometimes Adam would play Blakes guitars for hours, deep into the night and even when he played the same song over and over and it kept Blake awake he still didn't mind it. He was meant to be deciding which plaid shirts to take on his trip but he got as far as pulling out his travel bag before he abandoned it to go loom near Adam.

“Sounds really good” Blake leaned against the frame of the doorway and watched until Adam acknowledged him.

“Thanks.” Adam gently placed the guitar back in its stand “Hey...I just wanted to say I am glad your getting out of here, I wouldn't want you to feel like you have to be with me all the time” he felt bad for being short with Blake earlier and this was as close to an apology as he was going to get. He also felt slightly bad that the next thing he was about to do was ask for a favor. It must have been written all over his face because Blake seemed as though he was patiently waiting for Adam to get to it.

“I was wondering if I could borrow one of the trucks tonight” The second the request left his lips he felt self conscious about it and immediately strayed from Blakes gaze. Making it worse was the delay in Blakes response which caused Adam to start fidgeting. He made his way to the shelf where some of Blakes big country awards were displayed and picked at them and examined them like they were the most fascinating things he'd ever seen.

“To drive?” Blake finally asked, genuinely confused

“Obviously, Blake.”

“You want to drive? Around here?”

“Yeah, I want to go have a drink, and you know.”

“I don't know.”

“I want to get drunk, get high or get laid. Preferably at least 2 out of 3 of those things and I need to leave your house to do that.”

They both were thinking the same thing, that Adam was about to tackle in one night two things that have had him in a panic for months.

“I could drive you...” Blake offered

“Yeah the country music God, Blake Shelton isn't going to draw any attention..”

“A God huh?” Blake snickered “I hate to break it to you Buddy, but you're famous too.”

“Not here, not looking like this.” Adam had gotten a good look at himself in the mirror earlier in the week and had had the surreal experience of wondering if it was actually himself peering back at him. Its not that he hadn't looked at a mirror in months but this was maybe the first time he'd paid attention. And even with this realization he still was sick with the possibility of being recognized or hassled tonight. But the part of him that was underneath the scared was itching for something that he found hard to deny. His restlessness wasn't helped by Blakes pending departure but not in the way that it seemed. It wasn't that he didn't understand Blake had a life and things to do it was the fact the real world he'd being avoiding was creeping in and things were going to change. He was going to have to go back some day and the thought of it weighed on him and he needed to relieve some of the pressure. “Maybe I'll borrow a cowboy hat too, huh? I'll fit in better”

“That I'd like to see.” Blake smiled warmly. He knew there was no talking Adam out of anything he really wanted so he stopped trying and gave him a set of keys. He was going to tell him to be careful but he didn't want to be that kind of friend tonight, he wanted to be happy that Adam was ready to take a new step towards civilization and when he couldn't quite get there he excused himself.

Blake made his way back to his room but he wasn't alone long. Adam nervously buzzed around him deciding he didn't have much of a wardrobe outside of t shirts and sweats and pink thermal underwear. He had a few pairs of jeans that would do but he started picking through Blakes massive plaid collection. And he playfully removed a shirt from Blakes suitcase and sized it up.

“Hey, come on... Blake snatched back his shirt “They're too big for you, anyway”

“Nah” Adam grabbed a shirt from the wardrobe and slipped it on and rolled up the sleeves and damn if he didn't look pretty good in Blakes shirt. “I'll take this one.”

“Fine” Blake chuckled getting wrapped up in Adams nervous excitement. “You want a giant belt buckle too”

“I can't handle that much country, man” Adam flopped back onto the bed next to where Blakes suitcase sat. They both had played around so long it was starting to get late and Blake tried not to acknowledge it hoping Adam would just forget about his plans but he knew he hadn't. He looked Adam over who was fiddling with the zipper on Blakes suitcase and Blake wondered if Adam was having second thoughts.

“You wanna do a scrabble rematch...” Blake asked hoping to give him an alternative.

“Nah, I'm gonna go.”

He meandered his way out of the house. Blake walked him to the door and nearly hugged him goodbye and it was pathetic really. “ _This isn't a big deal_ ” Adam said to himself when he climbed into the truck and gripped the steering wheel and tried to block out the feeling of being small and unable to do the simplest of tasks. He started the engine and then drifted slowly towards town and stopped at the first tiny shit hole of a bar he could find.

The honky-tonk music was blaring and assaulting his eardrums before he even entered the bar. It was a dive, a loud dive. It looked like a wood paneled basement from the '80's and the patrons matched. He couldn't will himself to look anyone in the eye at first and made a bee line to the bar hoping a few shots of tequila would loosen him up. It took 3 before he had the confidence to get up and settle on a barstool next to a woman. She wasn't his usual type she was pear shaped and probably in her 40's with big hair and big boobs. She was wearing jean cut off shorts and cowboy boots. He liked to think of himself as a nice open person but he knew deep down he was shallow. He thought of every ex girlfriend he'd ever had and they all were skinny, perfect girls none of them out of their 20's. Even when he exited his 20's his girlfriends never did. He had a wife, a sexy wife back home and he should have felt bad about this, about even attempting this but the woman in front of him had something his wife didn’t and that was ignorance. This was a blank slate and that made her the most attractive person he'd ever seen. He offered to buy her a drink and she seemed agreeable even though he kept sliding in and out of the fake country accent he had decided to affect. He could tell she thought he was odd but she sidled up next to him after he bought her a second drink. Her hand traveled up his thigh and he knew he was in, but he felt so uneasy about it. His head was swirling with the idea that she actually knew who he was and this was why she was receptive to him and he couldn't stop thinking of it until he eventually politely disembarked and bolted out the door. He bummed a smoke and sat on the curb outside the bar breathing in the first cigarette he'd had in a long while. He put his head into his hand and felt sorry for himself because he couldn't get his mind out of the way. He couldn't do things that had been so simple to him at one point. He was feeling the alcohol and his head was floating and he knew he was going to have to sit there until he could think straight enough to leave. He jumped when he felt someone plop down next to him. And when he saw it was Blake he punched him in the shoulder.

“Rough night?” Blake asked with a full on shit eating grin on his face

“Do you have a tracking device on me or something? Jesus!”

“Theres not a lot around here, Buddy. You weren't hard to find ”

“You didn't have to come. I told you I'd be fine.”

“Are you?”

Adam didn't answer he just took another long drag off his cigarette and watched intently as the ashes he flicked away turned from orange to gray.

“I can't drive right now.” He said as if he was confiding in Blake.

“I'll take you, we'll take care of the other truck later, ok?” Blake sprung up and held out his hand to Adam and pulled him up. He tried to wrap his arm around his intoxicated gimp friend to steady him but Adam wasn't having it. The thought crossed his mind to give Blake some shit for coming after him but there wasn't a way for him to to do that and sound genuine. He was glad Blake had shown up.

They took winding back roads that seemed to twist around forever and it didn't faze Adam until Blake took the truck off the road and into a sprawling meadow. And then when they got so far in that they couldn't see the road behind them anymore Blake shut off the engine.

“What is this? Is this where you're planning on dumping my body?”

“Yup.” Blake got out of the car and when Adam failed to follow he circled around to the passenger side and opened the door and gestured for him to come out with him.

“You really are going to murder me aren't you? I mean I was kidding before but...”

“Just come on...” Blake pulled down the hatch in the back of the truck and hoisted Adam into the bed and then he followed. “I thought you might want to see the stars” He said as he laid back and Adam cautiously followed suit.

The night was still and it was so dark and without light pollution the stars seemed to be shining brighter than anywhere else Adam had ever been. Blake was stretched out on his back with his arms up behind his head. He looked like he was posing for a magazine and Adam found it surprisingly distracting. He let his eyes rest on Blakes body and then the profile of face. It wasn't something he'd ever done before maybe because it never seemed like an option before. He didn't know why it seemed like one now. He considered it was because he was actually lonely, or maybe he did miss his wife and this was how it manifested. But none of that really seemed to fit.

“I think thats the big ladle and next to that is the big fork” Blake grinned pointing at a random cluster of stars pleased with his horrible dad joke. Adam pensively smiled back and Blake adjusted so that he was propped up on his elbows. “What?” he tilted his head and did that thing with his eyes when he was being sincere.

“Blake-” Adam started but realized it came out breathy and far away and he couldn't think of anything else to say after it. So he repeated Blakes name again in the hopes of inspiring more words to follow but they didn't. He sat up and looked down at Blake and mimicked him by tilting his head in the same way. Blake wasn't really sure what was going on but a smile started to spread across Adams face the way it did when he was trying not to laugh like they'd been in a staring contest this whole time that Blake hadn't been aware of. Adam eventually gave in and his laughter became infectious and Blake shook his head and joined him.

Adam started to wonder why he had bothered going out that night to find some other person to make him feel good. Blake made him feel good. It was like there were all these other people out in the world and none of them seem to fit the way Blake did. His chest ached with affection so much so he started to feel weakened by it. He scooted closer to Blake until they were touching but that wasn't quite enough and Adam climbed on top of Blake so that his chest was against Blakes and his head was on his shoulder. He laid there for awhile taking comfort in rising and falling with each breath Blake took. He didn't think about how invasive he was being, all he could see was how much he needed to touch someone. Blake wrapped his around him really tight and whispered “You're ok” like he was encouraging him but that wasn't enough. He sat back up shirking Blakes arms from around him and with both his hands steadied himself on Blakes chest. He looked Blake straight in the eye and couldn't read him so he stopped thinking about him at all and followed what his needy rebellious body wanted and tentatively started to rub himself against Blake and when Blake didn't make any objections he delved further into taking what he wanted and before his addled mind could think this through he was full on grinding his hips against Blake. He flopped his head back into Blakes shoulder and continued pushing himself against him over and over. It all felt so forbidden that Adam had been trying not to make any noise but couldn't contain these delicate little moans he was letting out which would have been adorable if he wasn't doing what it was he was doing. He almost laughed at the absurdity of the fact that he was dry humping his best friend in the back of a truck. It felt so adolescent he began to vividly picture a teenage Blake with high wasted jeans and a curly mullet parking with little blonde cheerleaders. Even if it was wrong he couldn't bury how warm and satisfying it felt until a sharp pain shot thru his leg. Apparently kneeling against the metal of the truck bed and then grinding around wasn't so great for his bad knee. “Shit...” he tried to keep going but he couldn't. “my knee” he whined. And he tried to register whether or not this cessation was a blessing for Blake or not, the reality that he wasn't sure if Blake was ok with this began to creep in but not for very long before Blake pushed himself up and scooped Adams legs under, and slipped him onto his back. When Blake unzipped Adams pants and took his cock in his hand Adam thought he might black out. He hadn't been this close to another person in a long while and arched up instinctively writhing into Blakes hand.

After it was all over Blake fell back stunned, _“This is what he needed”_ he told himself looking down at the sticky pool of cum in his hand. Then his sights set on Adam still undone and sort of beautiful and he tried again to think of how he was being very giving. His friend needed to feel this way and he helped him thats what he held on to when Adam reached out to him as if he was meant to reciprocate. Blake took Adams hand in his and shook his head no. He had committed to the idea of the altruistic hand job and Adam returning the favor would ruin the strong narrative Blake was putting together in his head. In a few short hours Blake would be on a plane to see his girlfriend and he needed to see what they had just done in a certain way. Adam in turn glanced down at the semi in Blakes pants and back up to his face and shrugged.

“How's your knee?” Blake asked as Adam put himself back together.

“It's ok...I guess aggressively dry humping is not on the approved list of activities for knee injuries ...” he gave a short laugh under his breath.

“So we're talking about this?”

“No”

The drive home was shrouded in a silence which neither knew how to interpret. The silence continued when they got back home. Adam was sure he had severely freaked Blake out and he hobbled straight to one of the guest bedrooms to hide or get some perspective. He sat at the edge of the bed and remembered he was wearing Blakes shirt which wasn't relevant to anything but it still felt significant. Before he could contemplate any emotional attachments to his other articles of clothing Blake creaked open the door. He entered only partly into the room like he was leaving one foot out the door for a quick escape.

“What are you doing?” His face was scrunched up like this was the strangest thing Adam had done when clearly it was not.

“I'm...I don't know...going to bed...” Adam matched Blakes confused face with his own.

“I'm not mad at you. Do you think I'm mad at you?”

“I didn't know...I thought we needed space or something.”

“We don't. Come to bed...or don't but we're ok. Don't stay away because you think were not ok” And then he backed out of the doorway and marched back to his room.

He was so secure and confident that Adam followed him immediately. The things Adam had been doing lately almost felt like out of body experiences and when he'd land back on earth he'd realize he'd been thoughtless or intrusive. He kept expecting to get ousted or flogged these things but Blake was unflappable. He was already tucked into bed with the lights off when Adam entered the darkened room.

“Why is it ok?” Adam asked as he shed his shirt and jeans.

“People have urges...and its ok”

“Can you say more than 'ok'?”

“Adam, I have to wake up in in 3 hours. Everything’s fine.”

Adam climbed into bed and tried to be mindful of Blake's request for quiet but knew he wouldn't able to get to sleep until he said just one more thing.”I think I'm going to miss you” he all but whispered.

“Finally! he says it, and all I had to do was-”

“-Don't !” Adam interrupted “You're an idiot”

Blake tried to go to sleep but he was too charged up so he stayed still until he could hear Adams breathing get deeper and louder the way it did when he was fast asleep. He turned and faced Adam who looked so serene and uncomplicated. He realized after a minute of watching his friend sleep that he was being a little creepy and if Adam were to wake up right then he'd be caught leering at him like a stalker. He shifted to face the wall on the opposite side of the bed and proceeded to stare at it until morning which couldn't come soon enough. He wasn't sure if he was antsy because he was leaving Adam or because of what he was going towards. He grabbed his bags and stood in the middle of the room. He wanted to wake Adam up and pet him or hug or anything really but in the end he left him be and ducked out to a waiting car to take him to the airport.

By the time he landed he was the rare mixture of keyed up and exhausted. He was staying at his girlfriends house and was driven straight there. He couldn't remember how he got in or going upstairs to a bedroom or if he even said anything to her before he was inside her. She was squealing his name but he felt just barely there. He came hard and probably too fast like he had been pent up for years but she didn't seem to be complaining. She wrapped herself around him and he rubbed her back and tried to stay lucid.

“You missed me, then?” she smiled into his chest

“Of course”

He didn't remember falling asleep and awoke in a room he didn't expect to wake up in. He had been away for long enough that it felt unfamiliar to be in Jen's house. He pulled on his pants and t shirt and wandered through the house like he hadn't walked thru these halls hundreds of times and when he found her she lit up and rushed towards him to give him a kiss. It felt good to be missed so he took his feeling of unease and shoved it down as far as it would go because it wasn't fair to her to feel that way.

“The kids won't be back from their dads house for a few days...they missed you.” She smiled and pulled out her phone to show him pictures of the kids. He instantly felt awful that he hadn't thought about them. He walked into the house and boned their mom without a thought that they might be there.

“I missed them too” and he did, but he replied in a way that sounded nervous like he didn't really mean it. She didn't call him on it or possibly she didn't notice, he wasn't sure.

“How's Adam?” she asked slowly and purposefully like she had rehearsed how she would have the conversation they were about to have while Blake was still processing her saying his name. It felt like Adam now existed in a separate universe.

“He's doing better...slow and steady.”

“Good...God thats great!” She put her hand on his face like she was relieved and she waited for him to say more but when he didn't she continued “ I'm glad he's doing better and that you've been there for him...but maybe since he's a bit better and it's been a few months... I wanted to ask you about maybe staying here more.”

“Jen, He's better than he was. He's not ready to come back.” He tried not to sound defensive but he wasn't expecting this conversation so soon.

“I'm not saying he should, Sweetie. I'm saying you should...be here” She looked at him like she couldn't understand how she had to explain this to him.

“leave him alone?”

“Yes, he's a grown man, Blake. I know he's going through something but -”

“He's upset and he needs someone”

“If you can't leave him alone for more than two weeks at a time than he needs a professional...or his parents. Someone besides just you.”

“He's comfortable with me....He's not comfortable with anyone else”

“He might be if he wasn't isolated from his family. I mean he has a wife.”

“Jen, he needs a little more time, ok. And I need to be there for him. He's my best friend.” He sat down and pulled her into his lap. “I know this is hard on you, but this is important to me and once he flies out of the nest things will be fine again.” He soothed her and kissed her forehead.

Blake loved her in a way that felt very far away, like he'd been out to sea for years. He made promises to her and charmed her around until she was telling him what a great person he was, what a great friend. He wasn't sure any of it was true or if he could keep his promises to her. He also wasn't sure if it was normal to constantly feel like he needed to be somewhere she wasn't.

 


	4. burst bubble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler - Animal death. Sorry

“My face is numb” Adam complained loudly as he trudged through the snow holding one end of a massive pine tree. “My feet are also numb” he added for good measure.  
“We're almost there.” 

It was the night before Christmas eve and Blake had roused Adam out of the house to find, cut down, and decorate a Christmas tree before the following evening. To say Adam was less than thrilled was an understatement but it was a necessity in Blakes mind. His two week stay in LA had resulted in Blake vaguely promising to fly back more often and more solidly he had sworn that the plans he and Jen had made months ago to have Christmas together in Oklahoma still stood. At the time when he was caught up in the moment it didn't seem like an imposition.

He knew Adam hated the idea. He looked practically insulted when Blake told him someone was coming to invade the bubble they had so carefully crafted around themselves. To Adams credit he never had a fit or said a word against Blakes plans. He didn't say anything at all about it. He nodded when Blake told him and then they didn't mention it again until the hunt for the Christmas tree began and even then they didn't really talk about the potential awkwardness that was about to befall them. Blake pretended that this was a good thing. Afterall, even if his feelings had grown complicated he and Jen had built something together that started from a genuine friendship. He talked himself into thinking a few friends having Christmas together would be good for both he and Adam. Adam needed to start talking to people and he and Jen had always gotten along. 

They poured into the house wet and cold. Blake lit the fireplace while Adam furiously pulled off his boots and jacket and huddled under a throw blanket. His teeth were still chattering.  
“Come here.” Adam gestured to Blake to sit next to him. He tried to fling the too small blanket over the both of them. “Body heat.” he muttered as he squashed himself against Blake, unable to form full sentences. 

“It won't be that bad, you know. Kids at Christmas is probably really fun. And Jens great...and presents are great...” Blake tried to win Adam over but he still seemed pretty neutral on it all. “Come on, tell me its fine already.” 

“Its your house, you get to invite whoever you want over.” Adam breathed heavily “So yeah...It's fine”   
“Well your enthusiasm is inspiring.”  
“I try.”  
“Adam...” Blake paused unsure of how to proceed with what he had been dreading talking to him about.   
“What?”   
“When Jen gets here tomorrow...she's gonna be sleeping in my room.”He held his breath waiting to see if Adam understand or if he needed to explain this further. He could see from Adams face that he understood.   
“I'll get my stuff out of there.” Adam replied quickly with the slight sting of embarrassment in his voice.  
“It's just-”  
“I know. I'm not an idiot Blake. I didn't think it'd be like the three of us together in one room...” he let out a fake forced laugh but the truth was he hadn't thought about it. This wasn't an unreasonable request Blake was making but it was cringeworthy to hear Blake ask him to vacate the space as if Adam wouldn't have figured the sleeping arrangements out when Jen arrived. He wasn't far enough gone to not understand how this was going to go. After months of living together alone on this scrutiny free island they were going to have to look at all they had done and all they would do through someone elses eyes and he didn't necessarily want to do that. He had thought of their relationship as innocent and familial outside of one questionable hand job. Now he had to think about how weird Jen might find their little habits and hide them until all they'd be able to do was fist bump and burp at each other. 

“It's only for a few days”   
“Yeah...I know. I'm not gonna do anything...bad” Adam was trying to reassure him. He owed Blake and he didn't want to mess up something important to him but putting that sentiment into words wasn't coming easily. He pat Blake on the shoulder for emphasis that things were in fact fine whether that was completely true or not.

“You wanna decorate the tree with me?” Blake asked smiling like he knew this was a stupid thing to ask.   
“No, I think I'm Christmased out.”  
“You sure...we could drink.”  
“No... I think I'll play the Jewish card and pass.” He tried to laugh but it was really more of quick snort. He immediately stood and lleft him knowing it was too abrupt to have looked natural.

 

The next morning, Adam skulked around the house checking out Blakes decorating skills. The tree looked like it was decorated by drunk children. He straightened some tinsel out of boredom waiting for Blake to return from the airport with his very special guests. He had the sense he was meant to greet Jen when she arrived to make her feel welcomed even though his instinct was to avoid her. He could hear the kids squealing and chattering before they even entered the house and he swiftly moved to meet them at the door. ”Hey!” he exclaimed with a smile plastered on his face. He reached his hand out for Jen to shake as she entered, which she bypassed and gave him a huge squeeze of a hug “Hey you!” she smiled back and Adam took her bag making sure to tell her he was taking it to Blakes room which felt a little unnecessary to announce but he wanted to be clear for Blakes sake. 

When Adam came back downstairs he could hear them all laughing around the tree probably due to how stupid it looked. “I just got here and I'm going to have a smile headache” Jen gasped. Blake was grinning and he had the littlest kid in his arms. Adam was surprised at how uncomfortable this made him. The rest of the evening was like this, with him standing outside a family unit. Before he'd become a social recluse he'd have been able to wade into the middle of this and joke with Blake and Jen and the kids with no problem. But, now he needed some help, someone to throw him a line but for the first time in a while he wasn't Blake's main concern. It was as it should be, Adam thought to himself. He was a grown man and Blake should be able to spend time with his new family. He couldn't expect Blake not to be distracted. So Adam figured he'd take advantage of his invisibility and slipped off to his room with a guitar. He played for long while jotting down bits of notes. He would get little flashes of inspiration that would fade after a moment so he had pages upon pages of tiny starts of ideas that he hadn't been able to connect. He was so lost in what he was doing he almost forgot where he was until he heard a knock at the door and Blake ducked his head in.

“I'm sorry” Adam quickly started before Blake could speak “Am I too loud? Is it too late?”  
“No, no...you're fine” Blake opened the door further to reveal a guitar with a bow on it “I thought I'd give you your Christmas present early is all!” It was really similar to some of his favorite models he owned but hadn't had access to since being in Oklahoma and he was happy to see it, to hold it.

He thanked Blake and squeezed his arm and as was the newest trend Blake ignored this gesture and stole hug. It was long lingering bear hug where Blake lifted him off the ground until Adam complained.

“You don't have to hide up here if you don’t want. Everyone would be really glad to see you. ” Blake knew Adam didn't want to be with them or with anyone but he at least wanted him to feel he could if he wanted to.  
“Yeah...I'll see you tomorrow...” Adam smiled down at the floor only barely trying to conceal how little he wanted to go back downstairs with him.  
“Tomorrow. You promise..”   
“Yes”   
“Dinner at least?” Blake asked clearly suspicious of Adams promise.  
“Stop, I said I would” Adam started playfully pushing Blake out the door and pulling it shut “Now leave me alone...”

Blake stood outside Adams room for a couple minutes until he heard him start playing again. He rest his forehead against the door and closed his eyes so he could listen more intently until he heard the rustle of little children padding up the stairs behind him. He snapped back into uncle Blake mode, bounding towards them with tickle monster hands poised and chased them up and down the hallways until Jen deemed it bedtime. He helped tuck the kids in but he could still hear Adam strumming and stopping. He kept straining to hear him over the kids and the same was true later when Jen was leading him back to his bedroom with a look in her eye that suggested she wanted to do more than just sleep.

 

Christmas morning started with the kids jumping on Blakes bed waking him and Jen up at 7:00am giggling with excitement. The rest was a Hallmark special blur from the present unwrapping to kisses under the mistletoe and hot chocolate. Even the early Christmas snow lent itself to the whole picturesque thing. He was really pulling this off in a way he hadn't anticipated. The only hitch being that he hadn't yet seen Adam. He didn’t come down in the morning and now it was after lunch and he still hadn't made his presence known. Blake wanted this week to be good for everyone. He wanted Adam to be comfortable and happy too and he worried Adam wasn't even going to try. 

As they waited for dinner to be set up Blake and the kids were playing a particularly competitive round of Hungry, Hungry Hippo when Adam finally descended down the stairs. Blake hopped up immediately.  
“Hey, you made it!” he yelped like he hadn't seen him years. “Dinner is almost ready Buddy!”

Adam was wearing a button down shirt and slacks like he had put effort into his dinner guest wear. His hair was combed back and his beard trimmed. Blake smiled proudly at him for his effort. 

Adam was quiet at dinner. Jen asked him with a furrowed serious brow “So, How are you?” she looked properly concerned for him. And he tried to appreciate that even as it made him think of why she was concerned, how this had all started. He eeked out a solidly normal sounding “Fine.” and she smiled sweetly at him in return and then they all listened to Huey, Dewy and Louie prattle on about toys and candy or whatever. He normally liked kids or he had at least but they seemed like noise machines to him today and he was irritated by them. He was even more irritated when after dinner this mutant family circus suddenly broke into a weird sing-a-long. They earnestly sang carols around the fireplace with no hint of irony. The kids didn't roll their eyes they just sang out like little cherubs. It was almost surreal.

He discreetly escaped the sound of music to the outside world and when the cold air hit him he breathed it deep into his lungs like he had been drowning until just then. He found a cigarette and a book of matches in his coat pocket which felt serendipitous and suddenly this night was looking up. He started to march around mesmerized with the tracks he was making through the clean virgin sheet of snow. He went further and further listening to the crunch of the snow beneath his feet. He liked the sound, he wanted to remember the sound and store it away, There had to be a use for it somewhere he thought. He walked until he was winded and he flopped onto his back and looked up at the sky and he could feel the cold in his bones but he liked it, it was real. He looked back at the house from far away with lights turning on then off again and it was like he wasn't connected to it. His place was here in this snow drift he had landed in underneath a big pine tree. He hummed to himself until he heard the yelp of something that sounded only faintly familiar. He quietly got himself back on his feet so he could spy on what he assumed was an animal. The closer he got the more he decided it had to be the wolf he heard howling at night sometimes, the one he'd insisted existed to Blake. He hid behind trees and stalked closer and closer to the noise but it sounded different than previous nights. It had been this amazing persistent call into the night, like the wolf shouting into the sky that he was there, that he existed. Tonight it was different it wasn't strong, it wasn't a force and the closer he got the more he realized it was more of a high pitched whimper. He started running towards the sound until he saw the animal dragging itself through the snow trailing crimson streaks behind it. By the time Adam reached it, it had given up on walking and was laying still, it's breathing was labored but loud. Adam dropped down to his knees in front of it reaching his hands out to it indicate he had come in peace, not entirely sure that was something animals responded to. His eyes adjusted enough to find the huge gaping wound on the animals neck and he took off his gloves and pressed them into the wound causing the animal to snarl and snap but it didn't have enough fight for much more than that. Adam then pulled off his scarf to fasten the gloves to the wound so he could try to clot the bleeding.   
“We have to get you out of here” He whispered his breath billowed above him like smoke. He pulled the animal into his grasp and gracelessly began to carry it back towards Blakes. The animal whined and scratched and snarled but Adam held on tighter eventually resorting to dragging it. He felt like he was in a trance, walking for miles like a zombie and when he finally got to one of Blakes snow covered trucks he hoisted the animal into the bed of it then climbed in next to it. 

“Come on..” He breathed but the animal no longer whimpered and its chest wasn't rising and falling anymore. “I'm going to help you!” He shouted but Adam knew the animals existence had been wretched away. He had had this living things life in his hands it just slipped away and he couldn't get it back and he was infuriated by it. He plowed his fists into the already cold carcass in front of him like a wild man until his own desperate gasps began to fill the air. He felt strangled and beaten as he wiped hot tears from his face and stumbled out of the back of the truck hard onto the ground. This wasn't real, he wasn't real he thought to himself as everything became fuzzier. He felt like he could feel the earth rotating and he was sick from it, he was sick of all of it. He doubled over and wretched violently until he was empty in every possible way. 

He staggered inside the house and he saw the happy family still there, still perfect like a painting. They weren't singing anymore but they were smiling and he came closer to the light and closer again and they still didn’t see him. And then he caught the eye of one of the children and his eyes widened in terror and he started screaming so shrilly that it startled Adam. Everyone else seemed to turn around in slow motion and then there was a frenzy of voices and movement. 

“OH MY GOD!” he could hear Blake exclaiming and then he was running towards him while Jen and the kids were scrambling away like there was a fire. She ran upstairs clutching the youngest one to her and pulling at the other ones with her free hand. He couldn't focus on the things Blake was saying to him until they were out of sight. 

“Am I still here?” Adam said into the air. He looked down at his hands as if to make sure, finally registering they were covered in blood. 

“Where's the blood from Adam? Blake pulled Adam closer to him so that he could look him more directly in the face “What did you do?” 

He started to unbutton Adams coat inspecting him for injuries which he didn't find outside of scratches on his neck and arm but they didn't look to be severe. He realized Adam wasn't going to answer possibly because he was dying of hypothermia and he grabbed a blanket to drape across him. 

“Please come back to me” Blake begged in earnest but to no avail as Adam started to wander away from him again. 

“You need to sit and warm up, Buddy” He spoke gently as he followed Adam up the stairs and into a bathroom. He knew he was overstepping on the privacy front but tonight was too fucked up to consider personal space. Adam didn't seem to care and frantically started disrobing. He was standing in front of him stark naked and Blake felt almost scandalized by it. All his advice and questions were caught in his throat. 

Adam was still shaking quite badly as he bent down to fill the tub he turned the knobs full blast so that it sounded like a gushing waterfall reverberating and echoing through the room. He lowered himself into the tub letting out a little whine of a moan when he hit the warm water. Blake sat against the wall closest to the tub watching and waiting uselessly as Adam intently and methodically began to wash his hands. He seemed to be fascinated with the way the blood from his skin spiraled delicately from his hands turning the water a sickly pale pink. After Adam had freed even the tiniest speck from under his nails he drew his knees to chest and sat until the water turned cold for what seemed like forever. He wasn't sure if was shaking from cold or if his nerves were fried but Blake couldn't watch him anymore. He carefully crawled to the ledge of the tub conscious of not to making any sudden movements. He slowly reached the hot water tab to warm the bath back up, then attempted the trickier of his motions when he took the rag and steadily touched it to Adams face. Adam closed his eyes in response but he didn’t flinch or move away so Blake began to clean away all the marks and the remainder of the foulness from his skin. And then he washed his hair by cupping the water in his hands and pouring it over Adams head like a baptism. 

“I think I need help out” Adam sounded so small and helpless. Blake pulled him up and dried him off trying to be respectful. He sat Adam on the lid of the toilet seat and bandaged up all his scrapes.   
“Theres a dead wolf in the back of your truck.” Adam announced abruptly without provocation and with very little emotion. 

“What?” Blake couldn't tell if this was a fit of madness or a delusion either way Adam didn't clarify. “Adam, tell me you're alright. That we don't need to.... I don't know....” Blake threw his hands up , he wasn't sure what to do but he started to hear Jen's voice in his head, the one implying that maybe Blake alone wasn't enough for Adam. If he was out possibly killing animals or hurting himself, or so sick he didnt know what was real than Blake was going to have to burst the bubble. He was going to have give him up. And he realized how little he wanted to do that and maybe this whole thing had been more selfish than he ever wanted it to be. 

“I'll bury it tomorrow” Adam absently replied. He wasn't quite back on earth enough to adequately answer Blakes questions.

“Look, we can get through this but you are going to have to stop talking to me like a dead eyed serial killer.” Blake fell out of delicate into how he usually spoke to Adam which at least got his attention and he nodded in response. He even livened up enough to get dressed on his own. Even as the color came back to his face and he looked more like himself, Blake still couldn't leave him.   
“You should go check on her.”  
“Jen? I will. Later.” Blake tried to hush him.  
“She'll like it if you go see how she and the kids are.” Adam started to feel like he was back in the room and the guilt he felt was unexpected to him. This week wasn't supposed to be about him but then here they were with Blake catering to him.   
“Don't worry about it”  
“Please go, Blake. Make sure its ok.”  
“It's fine”  
“She'll be mad at you. She'll be mad at me.”  
“No she won't. I'll explain it to her and she'll understand.” Blake was only half sure she'd understand but she was a good person, he assumed she wouldn't be angry at least.   
“What'll you say?”  
“I don't know....that it's like...triage. Who ever is hurt worse gets helped first and you're hurt the worst tonight.” Blake shrugged hoping his answer would suffice.   
“Do I get some sort of prize for being the worst?  
“I don't think so.”


	5. everybody rumble

The minute the sun came up Blake was pulling his coat on over his sweats and heading out to survey the damage. Adam followed closely behind him even though Blake would rather he didn't. The night before had been hectic and strange and he wanted Adam warm and inside but there wasn't any stopping him.

The smell of that night still faintly hung in the air the closer they got to the truck. It made Adam lag behind letting Blake get there first. He half expected the truck to be empty, for it all to have been a fever dream because even the memories of it felt tinted and fake. Blake strode right up to the scene of the crime and looked back at him.

“Its a dog.” He said as he took in the mess. He wasn't squeamish when it came to dead animals but the frenzy that had surrounded the end of this ones life was everywhere from the scarf wrapped tightly around its neck to hand prints of blood streaked around to the sick on the ground next to the car. “looks like something got ahold of it” he announced.

“I was trying to take it to a animal hospital”  
“Ok” Blake nodded, this was something he could work with. This was a real thing that happened and Adam hadn't caused its death. Those were two upsides. The afterword of it all was still worrying but Blake was going to put a pin in that issue for later. “We got to clean this up before the kids wake up. I don’t want to chance them seeing all this.”

They carried the dog about a mile from the house and dug through the snow and then through the dirt. Adam took to the work, digging fast and hard until Blake put his hand on his shoulder and told him the hole was more than deep enough for a dog. They pushed it in and covered it up and Adam stood over the grave for a moment.

“Do you want to say a few words or something” Blake asked seriously as Adam lingered.  
“No....You're an idiot...” Adam aped like he was teasing then turned to walk ahead of Blake back to the house. He wasn't upset necessarily it just felt like something significant had happened and he didn't really know why or how to react to it. He had an inkling his feelings had to do with the accident, but thats as far as he wanted to delve into that connection. He hurried back to the sanctuary of his room.

 

********

 

Jen was fully dressed sipping coffee at the kitchen island when Blake finally finished up cleaning and came inside. He inhaled deeply when he saw her not fully prepared to see her. He was going to start the conversation but her face looked so stiff and business like. He almost expected her to pull out documents and talk about mergers or stocks.

“So...what happened?” She started logically, then she smiled tersely.  
“He found an injured dog, he tried to help it. It died. He was upset.” He summarized.  
“Blake-”  
“He's.... sensitive about dogs, Jen. Its not anything to worry about” he was clearly downplaying it and it wasn't fooling her this time.  
“Don't pretend you didn't see what I saw when he walked in here last night. He looked crazed.” She had a point. It wasn't one that Blake was keen to back up but it was true. Adam had looked like a confused axe murderer. Blake knew there was something not right about it but he couldn't quite just say that, not even to her. Jen was one of the only people who knew Adam was even in Oklahoma with Blake. He had trusted her enough to tell her that at one point because she was his partner but he couldn't talk to her about Adam's wellness.  
“I know that this was scary because of the way it looked, but-”  
“Baby, he needs to talk to someone. You know thats true. I don't know why you're fighting it. He should see a doctor. He had a head injury didn't he? During the accident? Maybe he should be looked at. He's just I don't know...he's not at all the same guy.”  
“You're talking about him like he's...” Blake trailed off. She talked about him the way you would about a distant relation. It wasn't personal to her and he knew she didn’t understand why he was doing this.  
“He's my friend too, Blake.” She said as if she was reading his mind and after a few moments of nothingness she sighed and announced she was flying home that afternoon.  
“You dont have to go. He's ok now.”  
“You know...I think you're too close to this. I think 'ok' means something different to you now. And the only thing the kids are going to remember about this Christmas was uncle Adam covered in blood. And you know...I wish I had a heads up on how he really was doing because I wouldn't have brought the kids here if I knew.”  
“Jesus, I didn't know either. Its not like this is a daily occurrence for him to drag around dead animals.” Blake didn't like the insinuation that he had been reckless with the kids. Sure, Adam was a mess but he wouldn't hurt anyone.  
“Ok, you know what we'll talk about this later. “ Jen looked tired, mostly tired of him and she held up her hands like she couldn't hear another word from him about this. “You stay here and you think about what you want. Not about me and not about him...you.”  
“Its about doing the right thing! He's drowning. I wont let him drown.” He wanted her to know the gravity of this situation without overplaying his hand.  
“I'm not heartless, I want you to help him too. You helped me when I felt at my lowest. I know that you're this great, caring person but lets do the math here, sweetie. You've been holed up here give or take five months and your telling me there's been progress? Lets put the mental breakdown over the dog aside and he's still exceptionally withdrawn and just not himself. You have to face the fact that you may not be helping him. How much longer are you going to do this? How much longer are going to put everything on hold? And I'm not talking about me and the kids that adore you. What about your career? And we haven’t even talked about the hell his family has been going through for more than 5 months or the fact that the press is just poised waiting for him. The mystery of where Adam Levine disappeared to and why he abandoned his wife is plastered everywhere and its not going anywhere. This is a mess, Blake. From top to bottom it's a mess. And you are looking at me like you think sitting with him 5 more months is the answer.” She shook her head and then stared at him waiting for an answer but he didn't know what to do with Adam. He knew he wanted to stay there in Oklahoma and he wanted Adam to stay there too. And he hadn't unraveled whether he wanted it for himself or if he thought it was what Adam needed but she asked him to think about what he wanted. Maybe he had a complex, maybe he just liked to fix wounded people and once Adam was thriving again Blake wouldn't feel the same way about him. Maybe then the need he felt to be near him would dissipate but right now it was too strong to walk away from.

He reached out to her and pulled her into a hug. He knew all this was confusing and hurtful to her. He wished for the clarity to know what was best for everyone, her included.  
“ I'm calling a cab and me and the kids are going to go. When you figure this out, we'll talk.” She spoke into his shoulder than pulled away.

He could have gotten her to stay if he wanted. He could have told her he loved her more than anything and he thought hard about going upstairs and stopping her from leaving but he couldn't will himself to do it. He didn't go to them until they were about to leave and he hugged the kids and told Jen he'd see her soon. He didn't know if that was true but it was like something he had to do because shutting the door completely felt too cruel for everyone involved maybe himself included.

He couldn't stop thinking of where he was a year ago or even just half a year ago. He was having family days and buying extravagant gifts for his girlfriend. He thought that was where he wanted to be. If anyone had asked him then if he would leave that woman for anything he'd have said no. It was dizzying reconciling what he wanted now with what he wanted then and it didn't make sense. Everyone wants what he had with her, what he was building towards. And sure their relationship hadn't been pronounced dead yet but it was in critical condition.

He sat alone in his den with the door shut for hours. He tried to reflect on what he should be doing but answers weren't coming easily. He kept hearing a irritating, persistent thud that also wasn't helping the thought process. He had tried to ignore it but at some point it became too piercing and he threw open his door to find Adam sitting on the floor throwing a ball against the wall until he saw Blake. It seemed to startle him and he dropped the ball and stood up immediately.

“What are you doin?” Blake asked  
“Nothing...waiting for you.” Adam shifted his weight.“are you ok?” he asked as he looked anywhere but at Blake.  
“Yeah. Everythings fine.” Blake was more brusk then he'd meant to be. It had been a rough few days and he wanted to just run on autopilot now.  
“Where did she go?”  
“Adam. Not tonight, ok” He tried to cut any further conversation off as he headed off to find some alcohol.  
“She's gone?” Adam sounded dejected by this realization as he followed Blake, clearly not taking the hint.  
“Yeah.”  
“Shit....I'm sorry.”  
“Don't be sorry. I said its fine.”  
“Blake I didn't mean to-.”  
“Adam I said its fine.” Blake interrupted “And I'm not saying that to coddle you or sooth you. I'm telling you because its true. So please just go somewhere and do something that doesn't make me have to think about having you committed, ok? Can you do that?” Blake huffed and then he looked back at Adam who didn't seem to know what to do with himself. Blakes conversation with Jen was too fresh and he hated that she had caught them out and he hated having to see Adam the way she did.

“Am I the worst thing thats ever happened to you?” Adam called after him, in part because he felt like a plague on this mans life and it pained him to realize it but he wanted Blake to know that he realized it. He also asked because another part wanted validation. Adam wanted him to snap out of whatever this was and just be goofy, comforting Blake again. But he didn't snap out of it, he banged bottles and tinged glassware until Adam settled on what he thought was the truth of the matter.  
“I'm gonna go, ok?” He thought this was the simple solution. If he left then Jen would come back and they could go back to their lives. He wasn't sure if Blake hadn't heard him or if he was being a dick. “I can leave tomorrow...ok?” He said louder, Adam wasn't sure where he was going to land but Blake being upset with him was too much to bear. He could see Blake tense up and slam down his drink. Then he was barreling towards Adam.  
“Go where exactly?” He barked “To LA? Back to your wife?” Blake wasn't so much angry as he was offended. Adam could barely walk or talk when he brought him to Oklahoma and now after one fight, one bad mood he was going to bolt like this was so easy to leave?  
“God, Blake I don't know. Its not like I'm fucking rich, with endless fucking options or anything.” Adam suddenly felt a fire in his belly, he didn't like being yelled at. He glared at Blake, stared right into his red pissed off face “You're the one who asked me here! I was there alone in a clinic not hurting anyone and then you looked at me like...like it was safe. And now I've fucked your life up, fucked your family and I don't know what to do. You're mad if I stay...you're mad if I go but I don't really get it because you started this. You should've let me be.” Adam started to storm off but Blake wouldn't let him and he pulled him back by his elbow and turned him back around.  
“Hey” Blake paused as if he were grappling for what to do next. He settled on putting his hands on either side of Adams face. He knew he had to do or say something being that his grip wasn't entirely gentle. He had come at him with purpose and then lost the plot. He looked into Adams gentle, confused eyes then he yanked him closer. He crashed his lips against Adams holding on too tightly afraid to let him go. He relented when he felt Adam pushing against his chest. He let his hands drop to his sides and Adam backed away.  
“ Blake?” Adam shook his head like that would help the words come and when they didn't Blake held his open hand out to Adam which he desperately wanted him accept. He cautiously took Blake's hand and cocked his head to the side waiting for Blake to shine some light on what the hell the were doing.  
“You don't get to leave me too” was all the explanation Blake could muster.  
“Are you sure about this? About me here?” Adam still in a state of disbelief. He looked down at his hand in Blakes like he wasn't sure how it got there.  
“I don't know whats going to happen or what anything means. I just know I want you here...whether thats good or bad its what what I want” It was like a new path had presented itself for Blake in a way he wasn't prepared for. He'd always had feelings for Adam that seemed left of typical but he never considered that he would want him the way he did now, in the way he couldn't stop.  
“I don't know if I can...”  
“Can what?”  
“...if I can be what you want me to be.”  
“and whats that?”  
“I'm not going to be good at being there for you. I get stuck in my head and I don't want you to count on me.”  
“I'm not proposing to you, kid. I don't have any expectations. I never imagined we'd even have a conversation about this, let alone ...all I know is I wanna kiss you again...real bad.” he smirked and ducked his head down confidently hoping Adam would meet him in the middle. He closed his eyes and his heart skipped when he felt the warm return of Adams lips meet his own. He smoothed his hands to Adams hips and Adam wrapped his arm up across the back of Blakes neck and he parted his lips ever so slightly and Blake seized upon it kissing him deeper. He started walking them backwards clumsily towards the stairs. They didn't have the coordination to even make it up one step before they had stumbled and fell over breaking apart and erupting in laughter.  
“What the fuck?” Adam breathed to himself “This is so weird...” He said looking his friend over realizing just how brazenly carnal his thoughts had turned  
“Its not that weird...I mean I've held your penis in my hand before...” Blake joked  
“That was different”  
“Maybe” Blake nodded sensing Adams trepidation “You know, no matter what you'll always be my best friend. No matter what else happens, that's for sure.”


	6. Shakes

“Where are we going” Adam asks as he follows his friend and at once he's man and then he's 12 yrs old ducking thru trees and running free.

“You'll see...” His friend looks back at him, his eyes glowing like the best thing in the world is about to happen. The joy is blindingly beautiful and so vivid that Adam feels it too. They keep running in dizzying circles until its dark. Some how Adam loses him and it keeps getting darker and he's shouting his name “Jamie!” he calls into the night frantically. “Jamie I'm scared!” he cries out until he sees him. He starts running towards him but now everythings covered in crunchy ice covered snow and when he gets to him Jamie won't speak. He won't move. He just stands there staring out and he looks almost exactly how he looked like when Adam met him when they were babies except he's wretchedly pale now. “Jamie we need to go, we need to go home”. He starts to tug on Jamie's hand and closes his eyes. He pulls and pulls but Jamie doesn't move and when Adam opens his eyes theres blood on his hands and he looks up to see wounds unraveling all over Jamie's body like someones pulling all these threads from his skin and he's shredding apart and thats when the screaming starts. He always wakes up shivering and sweating with Blake poised above him like he's afraid to touch him.

 

His heart was beating so hard that it actually ached and he grabbed Blakes hand and placed it on his chest so he could feel it too. This was the third nightmare in a week and Blake never knew quite what to do except let Adam calm down. He left his hand linger on Adams chest eventually rubbing concentric circles on his skin until he could see Adam ease up.

“I don't know why this is happening now” Adam sighed.

“Maybe...you just miss them.” Blake offered even though as soon as he said it he knew it was too simplistic. Adam hadn't really told him much about the dreams except to imply it involved one of his friends who died in the accident. But more details than that were scarce. He smiled weakly at Blake like everything was fine, and then lifted himself off the bed slowly like he was being cautious and meandered his way to the bathroom to wash his face while Blake stayed behind and changed the sweat soaked sheets. Adam always lingered in the bathroom staring into the mirror bleary eyed and wasted. He looked too far away for Blakes taste and he sidled up behind him and kissed him on the shoulder to remind Adam he was still there with him.

“Go back to bed. I'm fine. Its just a dream.” He urged Blake

“You come with me”

“No, I'm not tired anymore” Adam lied. He was exhausted and Blake wanted him to come lay back down with him but he knew Adam wouldn't. The truth was Adam liked to be alone after the nightmares. He usually made a pot of coffee then he would rearrange the kitchen shelves or try to do some yoga poses he hadn't done in months or watch horrible late night tv just about anything but go back to bed. At 5 in the morning he got the inspired idea to shave off his beard but only got as far as snipping some clumps out of it before he got bored and returned to sitcom reruns. When Blake found his half bearded friend he was slipping in and out of sleep with the television blaring. He wanted badly to make fun of him but resisted when it looked like Adam might doze off. He waited a few paces away until he knew Adam was asleep then he turned off the tv and covered him up.

He had the urge to watch him, to jot down notes in a journal every time he twitched or groaned. Adam had become his only hobby, not that hobby was the right for it. He woke up thinking about Adam, he went to bed thinking about Adam on more levels than he thought possible. In a way he had been preoccupied with Adam since he met him but back then he tried to reason away the why of it which was easy to do then when there was more physical distance between them. But now he wasn't hiding from his feelings anymore so it had become openly all consuming. He was Adams best friend, family, and his caretaker. They had now even broached the topic of “more than friends” which only intensified Blakes feelings. The kiss they shared had been this little hurricane of emotion that blew through a moment of their lives but it hadn't really changed things between them in the day to day. It was a symbol to Blake of this shiny magical truth that he finally let out and it felt amazing like a weight had been lifted. And with that kind of glee comes the want to celebrate and frolic and be in this euphoric loving state. The problem was Adam was still suffering and he couldn't feel the way Blake felt. The bad dreams had started not long after their moment and had punctuated the problem. Blake couldn't seem to avoid a pang of disappointment at having to delicately stand at the edge of Adams sanity wanting something from him that he couldn't give.

He pushed himself to fuss around the farm and get some dirt under his fingernails. He managed to stay away a few hours and he came back to the house with a sense of calm that came after exertion. Adam was awake when he returned he was crouched in an armchair with his shirt stretched down over his knees. He had so much caffeine coursing through him he had a slight tremble and twitchiness about him coupled with a deep lag of exhaustion that coffee couldn't cure.

“You...look...like...” Blake shook his head not finishing his thought. He looked to Blake like a mad man in one light and like a fragile perched little bird in another.

“I thought I might shave it but I lost focus...” Adam replied referring to his gnarled beard.

“I can help you” Blake offered. He began to imagine picking Adam up and slinging him onto his hip like mothers do toddlers. He didn't know where this vision was coming from but stayed on his mind as he went off to rummage around for some electric clippers he was sure he had. When he found them he took them back to Adam who looked up at him with suspicion at first, then his expression seemed to melt into something more passive.

“Buzz it all off” he said motioning to both his face and his head which Blake wasn't certain he was up for. Adam pushed out of his chair and quickly stripped his shirt off and wandered towards the kitchen. Both these actions confused Blake but he followed anyhow. He paused as Adam slid his sweatpants off. “What're you doing?” Blake laughed.

“Come on” Adam waved him over impatiently.

“I'll do the beard...”

“Do it all” Adam insisted then attempted to grab the clippers from Blake with his shaking hands but Blake pulled it from his reach.

“I'm gonna do it, calm down, Shakes” He placed one hand tenderly against side of Adams face and began to sheer at the other and then repeated the other side.

“We need one of those things, cause I'm not looking at your bald head..”

“A guard...” Adam responded “do you have those?”

“Yeah” Blake responded but he was getting lost in Adams face which he hadn't fully seen in months. He wanted to admire his work and trace his fingers across his cheek but Adam was too wired to appreciate Blakes position.

He eventually nervously buzzed Adams hair at the longest setting and it didn't look perfect at the end but he looked more like himself.

“I can see you ” Blake smiled. He wanted to kiss him again. He knew his desires were written all over his face as he openly stared at Adams lips.

“You like it...I guess.” Adam was almost coy in response to Blakes enthusiasm.

“Yeah, I like it” he said with a low draw in his full on cowboy voice he used to pick up chicks with. It wasn't really intentional but he found it hard to turn it off even looking into those tired eyes he still couldn't turn it off. Just a sweet peck he thought as he leaned in but Adam delicately turned away and put his hand on Blakes chest like he was pressing a pause button. Blake only sort of got the hint as he stayed close in Adams space with his face so close to Adams their foreheads almost touched.

“Are we ok?” Blake breathed. Adam was quiet in response which Blake registered might be a sign of trouble but he didn't squirm away from him so he took the opportunity to rest his head against Adams. 

“They don't want me to be happy.” He stated quietly. He didn't sound upset or scared, more resigned to a grim fact he'd just realized. 

“Who?” 

“They're haunting me because of us because what we been trying to do...makes me sort of...happy...sometimes.” Adam tried to explain without 1. Sounding crazy and 2. getting too sappy about his feelings for Blake. He had a sense he failed on both points as Blake moved away from him looking slightly puzzled

“Your friends?” Blake asked, just barely put it all together. “No....thats not whats happening.” 

“I killed them..... I was driving.... you know that, everyone knows...” he spoke so softly and solemnly like it ached to say the words. He had sworn that they would never speak of this and he had made good on that promise to himself until now. Blake was hovering in front of him now not sure whether to confirm he knew the physical details, that it was all over every news program, every magazine for a long time. 

“I know you're tired and, you're messed up right now but I have to tell you, you didn't kill anyone...”

“The thing is it wasn't rainy that day or foggy. It was just a normal day ….you know, until it wasn't and what I don't get is...how I didn't see it coming right for us. It doesn't make sense to me.”

“So you don't remember it?”

“pieces of it.” The accident was like a blank space, it was all feelings and intuition. He felt like he remembered it even though he couldn't see it, he couldn't recount it but it was there like a scar of a memory. He didn't know exactly what he did or didn't do, the point was he was in control or more so than anyone else in the car and that had become the fact of the matter for him. He had made himself so culpable by just having the knowledge of that one fact. And that fact was such a paralyzing hit to his brain that it shut everything else out. He couldn't get past that wall of guilt.

“They don't get to see their wives and kids ever again... and thats on me.” Adam threw his hands up like he there was nothing to be done and he was resigned to live a miserable friendless life. He pushed away from Blake and paced around. He looked almost sick and the mid afternoon light seemed to highlight how pale he was.

“But thats not how it works. It just isn't.” Blake countered trying very hard to plead his case “Whatever happened I think we can agree it was an accident. They wouldn't want this for you. They wouldn't want you to think this of them.” Blake knew he was pushing it telling him what his friends thought but he felt it was true. Adam was a good friend, he just was. It was one of his better qualities. If you were Adams friend he would do almost anything for you, go anywhere with you and there just wasn't any way that even in death these people would want Adam to hurt. “This...loss is monumental....and I think you're having those dreams because you've been trying to forget about what happened and things like this just find a way of making sure you don't”

“But the dreams aren't mournful...they're violent and brutal. It feels like they mean something more. And I don't think its a coincidence that they started when they started”

“ I don't think there’s any force from beyond the grave working against your happiness. But even if its true, even in the most unlikeliest of scenarios....that ghosts are haunting your dreams so your life is miserable...its not up to them....they don't get to decide” At this point Blake was getting pretty intense about his point and the whole "life is what we make it" type sentiment. He rushed towards Adam and pushed himself back up against him, searching his face hoping Adam would just agree with him so he didn't have to keep arguing this strange point.

“I just want them to stop. I guess it's driving me a little crazy...or a little stupid.” Adam ducked his head low like looking at Blake straight on was impossible. His eyes had taken on a glassy sheen that he wasn't sure he wanted Blake to see.

“You're gonna be ok.” He spoke so confidently that Adam started to believe him or at least he appreciated hearing someone say it with so much conviction and well meaning. He burrowed his head into the taller mans shoulder.

“sometimes it felt like they still existed, that they were out there and ok but lately its just been like... I can't feel them out there anymore.” Adam croaked clinging to Blake. “I guess, I wish they were here is all” which was an understatement,he wanted them with every fiber of his being, he wanted to claw through time back to that night so badly. He could feel the trickle of a tear run down his cheek and he knew Blake could feel him twitch against him in a bit of agony. Blake swayed him softly back and forth until Adam pat him on the back like he was ending a bro hug.

“I'm alright...I'm alright.” He announced as he without hesitation wiped his face on the shoulder of Blakes shirt and pulled away. But the mood had relaxed enough that Blake tugged him back into his arms, not letting him get away with tapping out.


	7. Under Siege

“Hey, guy. I'm gonna need you to stay away from the windows,ok?” Blake spoke in a calm deliberate voice which as hard as he tried did nothing to soften the blow of what he was about to tell Adam.

“Whats going on?” Adam stood stock still in the center of Blakes bedroom like there were snipers on the roof while Blake hurriedly closed all the curtains.

“Sit down” Blake directed but Adam wouldn't and he looked at Blake like he was being an asshole rather than however Blake had expected. “There's some paparazzi outside” he looked up as Adams face dropped and he wanted to tell him he had a plan but he didn't have one. They just seemed to appear that morning knocking on the door and spread across the lawn. He had at least gotten some security to come around and make sure they were off the property but the long lens cameras and windows were now another concern whether it was warranted or not.

“Well...shit.” Adam sighed. “How?”

“I don't know. Could've been someone who's worked here and saw you or...who knows”

“Could've been Jen...”

“She wouldn't do that.”

“She could have mentioned something to friend or her kids could've...”

“It doesn't matter either way does it? We're here now.” Blake didn't want to talk about her, she was still a confusing spot for him and he didn't want to decide to have bad blood with her arbitrarily. Adam flopped heavily back onto the bed and Blake followed letting his hand rest on Adams knee.

 

The place started to feel very small and darkened and it was like they were under siege. Blake was on his phone a lot as Adam played video games in another room like he was 12 yrs old waiting for his dad to come up with some answers and fix everything. And when Blake ducks back in after every phone call they don't discuss whats going on, whats going to happen. Whatever they do things are going to change and its difficult to think of after all these months so they settle on not really thinking about it all, giving themselves a few more hours reprieve from responsibility. Everything went along sleepily and fine until one of them would tense up and remember what was going on outside as it seeped its way in more and more. _What do they know? How much?_

 

“Are you scared?” Blake asked point blank breaking the silent rule they'd made in the morning to pretend this wasn't real. But it was getting late now and the spell they had cast around them was lifting. Adam cocked his head to the side and stared vacantly at Blake because he wasn't sure how he felt. Blake somehow was the one that looked scared which Adam found confusing because he feels in the back of his mind that he'll be the one to face the firing squad and that he'll face it alone.

 

“Lets gets fucked up....cake and tequila in bed, ok?” Adam just wanted to do something because even though he could've at one point spent weeks alone with Blake in that house and it wouldn't have bothered him, now that he was forcibly penned in he couldn't stand it. Blake shook his head and pretty much mimed “as you wish”. They didn't have cake, but they did have tequila. Adam sunk into a sea of blankets that he had formed into a nest because there was nothing more comforting than a giant nest he thought to himself as he tunneled in further only reaching out for Blake to hand him the bottle.

 

“Here's to...this sweet nest I just made” Adam giddily toasted, somehow seeming buzzed before he took his first drink. It was really down to the mood, the stir crazy sleeplessness of it all. He tipped the bottle towards Blake but he didn't have a glass to clink it with so Blake just tapped the bottle with his fingers.

 

“It doesn't have to be so bad...” Blake said thoughtfully after awhile. All he could see was the top of Adams head just barely peeking out but he knows from the absence of a response Adam doesn't agree. He drinks a little more and thinks about how maybe this was always bound to happen because it had to because fate was pushing them along. “I'll take your hand in mine and we'll walk out there and we'll tell them what happened because its simple, isn't it? You're my best friend and something awful happened to you so I flew you here to take care of you and thats the story of why you're here. And they'll ask stupid stuff like how you feel about the awful thing...and you'll confirm the awful thing was in fact awful...and then they'll ask why you were gone so long, and we'll reference the awful thing again briefly....and then they'll ask about...your wife. And God, I don't know...” Blake raked his hand through his hair trying to collect his thoughts “...There's nothing else after that to say really. And we come back inside and they all leave and we stay here. They go off and post their headlines and we keep going because who needs it anyhow? All that shit...I mean we could live here the rest of our lives and never have to work one more minute for money...” Its all coming out like a fairytale and Blake knows it but he keeps drinking and it keeps sounding like something that could be real. “If they think we're together...than who cares because we don't need them. We don't need to think about image or publicity or anything...because we'll be here together and that'll be enough.” Blake concludes dopily and when Blake looks back Adams peering at him above his dome of blankets.

 

“Blake” Adam started then swallowed hard “I want to be inside you” He says it so directly because he doesn't have it in him to hint around because the feeling smashing into him is urgent and relentless.

 

“Uhhhh...” Blake stammered taking a moment to get back into the right frame of mind to really hear what Adam has said to him “I'm gonna need a little more to drink first” They both do and they kill the bottle together. Adam climbs out of his nest like he's emerging from a cave after a long hibernation and he looks at Blake in a way Adam had never looked at him before. And it was jarring at first because this wasn't exactly how Blake thought this would go but he gets caught up in the hunger and the fire in Adam and he decides he likes it.

 

Adam crawled over to Blake all long limbed and smooth like a jaguar or just something exotic and even after all this time Blake can't just see him as a normal human being. He was too beautiful, too talented, too alluring and this still didn't quite feel real. He would have sworn it was a fever dream until Adams mouth met his and it all became a dirty, tonguey reality. Adam gracefully climbed into Blakes lap only breaking from the kiss to sling his t shirt over his head and throw it onto the floor.

 

He pulled at Blakes shirt as well which was unfortunately a button down and Adam was so impatient he groaned out of frustration while fumbling through the unbuttoning process, his fingers so eager and uncoordinated. Blake eventually took over getting his own shirt undone quickly and he gave Adam this look like this was a grand achievement and in that moment it kind of was. Adam wrapped his legs around his waist and scoot close enough that his chest was pressed against Blakes. He wanted to feel Blakes heart and for Blake to hear his. He also wanted to know if Blakes heart was pumping as fast as his but all he could hear was his own going crazy.

 

Adam tears himself away and makes a show of going off and getting what they need so Blake knows he can take care of him, that Blake doesn't have to get out of bed for anything for a little while. He saunters back to him, and takes his pants off as Blake watches rather intently. He's surprised how much the look Blake is giving him makes him feel, how it makes his stomach flutter but he likes it so much he walks painstakingly slow back to the bed so he can see that look just a little longer. Blake reaches his hand out to Adam desperately, like he can't take the suspense and Adam begins to revel in it as a wry self assured grin spreads across his face. _Look at what I can do to you and I haven't even touched you yet._ It's not a thought he can help really, he had always been a cocky little bastard and it was too hardwired in him to ever change.

 

When he finally gets anywhere close to Blakes reach he seizes him, leaning up and pulling him back into his arms, and into another passionate kiss but Adams too wired to take this slow and he breaks from it to unzip Blakes jeans. He doesn't try to to tug them down he just makes a weirdly aggressive hand motion to indicate Blake should be naked by now. He pops off the bed and walks to the end and he's incredibly confident and that cocky little grin creeps back. Blake knows he's meant to follow but he puts his hand on his chest and gives Adam one good look over from his vantage point because he knows soon enough things are going to heat up and it all be sweat and friction and feeling and he wont get to have this full on view for awhile.

 

“You're killing me” Adam groaned throwing his head back dramatically, “Get down here!”

It makes Blake laugh that laugh that Adam can't get enough of the one so full and hearty that its like Blakes whole body quakes when he does it. And even though Blake has the urge to give Adam a hard time, he can't bring himself to possibly bust Adams confidence open. He wasn't sure how shakeable Adam was so eased down to the end of the bed dutifully and leaned back on his elbows, letting his legs dangle off the edge. _You're move._ Blake thought as he half imagined tipping an old timey bowler hat in Adams direction.

 

He stepped between Blakes spread legs and runs his hands up his upper thighs. They were so white it looked like they had ever been in the sun. And as he let his hand travel it seemingly dawned on him what he was dealing with here. Blake was all long thick legs and big farmer hands and for half a second Adam felt slightly overwhelmed by the size of him and the thought of handling him. He had never been with anyone bigger than himself, more accurately the object of his affections were usually little petite woman so Blake was quite the change of pace, almost shockingly so when and he got above the situation He almost laughed at how odd it all was and how at the same time it wasn't. He really looked at what was sprawled out before him, really took him in and he had to shed the doubt that came with doing something new and strange because there he was and He was masculine and fit in some areas and then less so in others and he was a bit hairy and bit musky and he was perfectly different.

 

There was too much still, too much introspection and Blake was done being patient and he reached up to paw at Adams face to pull him into a kiss but Adam had other ideas and he laced his fingers with Blakes and pushed them down into the mattress above Blakes head. It was a move that was bit playful and a bit power move but it seemed to get Blake off as his cock twitched against his stomach and Adam decided to pay it some attention. He swooped down and licked from the base of his cock to the tip and then he took the head in his mouth and he could feel Blakes whole body shutter slightly. He stood back up before really committing to blowing him mostly because there was this adrenaline rushing through him and straight to his cock and he need to be satiated. He ushered one of Blake's giant tree trunk legs onto his shoulder. He took a deep breath and one more lingering look at Blake before this weirdly momentous thing happened between them and somehow in that moment Blake looked younger all of a sudden, just peering up at him, waiting.

 

He pushed inside him slowly, screwed his eyes shut tight and let out this low guttural groan that he couldn't help as Blake sucked in air. He hadn't been inside another person for almost year and he realized how much he had missed it, how much he preferred it to his hand. Blake was so hot, almost disconcertingly hot inside and Adam moved his hips and pumped into it. Blake rides every thump with a soft groan that only turns Adam on more.

 

Blake keeps his eyes trained on Adam and mostly just his face because its a thing of beauty the way it contorts and shifts from passion to joy to a million other little inflections and Blake practically has stars in his eyes. And the trust and adoration radiating off of Blake gives the whole thing an air of vulnerability that Adam hadn't expected in his chosen position, partly wanting to top because he didn't think he could handle being taken by Blake, thought it would make him feel too exposed but now he could barely keep Blakes gaze because the affection swelled too hard in his chest for him to stand. He almost cursed Blake as he clamped his hand down over Blakes eyes and started to thrust wildly as his other hand began to fist at Blakes cock. He knew they were both close but was still taken off guard when Blake came and he tightened around Adams cock and then this wave of spasms encircled him and it was like nothing Adam had felt before and he couldn't hold out any longer.

 

He let himself collapse into a sticky, sweaty Blake. And he was breathing so hard he felt like he might die as Blake mustered the energy to wrap his arms around Adams waist.

 

“Wow” Blake sighs into Adams neck, but Adam still can't breath and they're so slick from sweat he feels sort of gross but also like its this right of passage to be gross and weird because he's just fucked his best friend and it kind of fits.

 

“We should have done it on a mountain top in a tent after a long day of sheep herding” Adam says after a moment trying to be light-hearted in the midst of exhaustion.

“Yeah...” Blake replies absently dragging his fingers through Adams hair until Adam slips off beside him in bed. And Blake wants to tell Adam he loves him but it feels like maybe too much on one hand and almost unnecessary on the other and he decides he can think about it later and slips off to sleep which is a luxury not afforded to Adam. He watches Blake blissfully drift off and then rolls onto his side facing away because he knows looking at Blake now will make the idea he's had in his head since this morning seem almost impossible. And then he turns back to let his eyes rest on him again and he whispers more to himself than to Blake “This was goodbye”. As soon as the words leave his lips he shakes his head like he can't bear to hear his own words but its the truth and he's known it for months. He knew one day he was going to have to go back and he was going to have to leave Blake behind. The minute the paparazzi showed up he knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later. He steeled himself against his doubts and he dragged himself quietly out of bed and down the hall to the guest room he had slept in the first few weeks he began staying with Blake where a lot of stuff was still left. He rifled through a duffel bag and pulled out the phone he hadn't touched since the night he called Blake to come get him at the clinic. He pushed it on and slumped down on the floor to stare at it before finally just biting the bullet and calling his publicist and then his manager and then a few other team members. He spoke so starkly and business like and within minutes things were set in motion.

 

He went into the bathroom to trim at any uneven bits of hair. Then he rubs some hair gel he finds in a cabinet through it and musses it around until it looks like what people might be used to. He slides into some faded jeans and pair of boots and a worn out white t-shirt. He tops the look off with an oversized cardigan and he stands back and looks in the mirror and decides he looks the movie version of distressed, the digestible kind that looks good on a magazine. The kind of pictures this is going to produce will be just the right amount of disheveled, not too fixed up that he looks like he's been partying while his friends rot and his wife worries away the days, but not so pathetic and frail that it looks like Adam should be locked away in a mental institution eating slop. And the whole thing is like putting on a mask and he's surprised how easily this is all coming back to him.

 

He wants to tell Blake he's leaving, knows its the right thing to do to tell him that a car was being sent, that statements were being prepared and by the morning an image will be blazed upon the public and a story will start to unfold. And the story was going to underplay how long he'd been at Blakes and imply Adams been traveling and grieving and it was all going to be polished and shined up. He stood at their bedroom door but he was too much of a coward to go in and opted to take the slightly easier route and scrawled a note that read one lonely little line _“I'm sorry.”_ , and let it fall to the floor in front of the door.

 

 


	8. Her

“ _It doesn't matter to me what you do out there, who you fuck...just as long as you come home.”_ Her words pulsed around him as he entered the house they had shared. He felt like he was excavating ruins from another time the way he poured over every piece of furniture, every inch of house. He figures she hasn't lived there in months thinking he'd feel it if she had been there recently some how. It was too cold, too sterile now. When he reached their bedroom everything still seemed in its place from the art on the walls to the bed but yet it was all wrong. _“just as long as you come home”_ played along the walls of the room and he could see that day so clearly she was wearing one of Adams old ratty t-shirts and nothing else lounging at the foot of the bed blowing smoke rings in his direction. She was something out of a 60's era art house film all of a sudden he had thought to himself as he absently pretended to catch the smoke rings on his fingers. _“You're the coolest wife ever”_ he was in awe at the time, so much so he couldn't imagine partaking in the gift of freedom she had given until a few months later when a few fan girls started to sneak in under the radar. And when all these one and done's would wrap their lips around his cock thats when his wives words would circle him and he would feel almost closer to her. He hadn't felt that way after he slept with Blake though , he hadn't thought of her at all until he was on the plane coming back home. It was like he had wrapped her up in a little box and stored her neatly away in his subconscious. She came back to him like a flood though when he landed, bursting out of the box and into his head so much so he didn't think about where to go or what to do he just headed straight to their home from the airport. And he didn't consider if she was in fact still living there or if she was that her wayward husband returning might've deserved a phone call or text or some kind of heads up but then again the situation was so overgrown and strange he wasn't sure there was an etiquette to reaching out to the wife you've abandoned for nearly a year. 

 

He slumped down into a lawn chair that oversaw a beautiful view of LA and he debated what to do. He had felt like she had to be the first person he talked to when he got back out of respect at the very least but then maybe she didn't want to hear from him he thought. Eventually all the back and forth resulted in a text message that read about a million times too casual.  _“Hey B, I'm back in town. At the house. Tell me if you want to talk”_ She texted back about 15 minutes later that she was on her way. He hadn't expected that. And in the dense toneless void of texting he didn't know how to prepare for this sudden response. He imagined she was angry, thats what he settled on as he lazily made no attempt to move from his place on the patio. He slipped in and out of sleep feeling all at once exhausted. It seemed like he'd closed his eyes for just a second but when he opened them again the sun was setting and she was there standing over him and with his blurry eyes she looked vaguely like an angel. She didn't say anything only watched him stretch and yawn his way back awake. 

 

She looked not so much angry as she did confused or shocked like he'd landed here from another planet. She was wearing a pair of leggings, a t-shirt and some combat boots with her long hair pulled into a top knot like she had rushed over from wherever it was she existed now. He didn't know what to say to her so he just leaned forward in his chair resting his forearms against his knees and then he looked up at her in a way he hoped would make her realize how pathetic he was, how little he understood himself and that explaining this was going to be near impossible but he was confident this one gaze would not accomplish all he needed it to. 

 

“Are you ok? She finally asked and when he took a million years to answer she followed with “Is there someone else?” 

 

“Sort of” he eventually answered which covered both questions, really. He stood to face her more directly.“Are you ok?” he asked echoing her. He took a step closer “Is there someone else?”

“yes to the first question” she said taking a step away from him opening the gap he seemed to be attempting to close “and 'its complicated' to the second” 

 

Silence fell between them and he regretted that they started with talk of other people because that wasn't really the point. He wanted her to scream at him but she wasn't there for that. Her face was so determined and he wanted to give her whatever she needed, he owed her that but she wasn't tipping her hand.

 

“I'm sorry. I was fucked up and I had to just go. I can't explain it, really. I just had to leave here.” He shrugged not meaning it to seem glib but just to indicate he didn't know what else to say. The word sorry was such a small stupid thing to say and he could tell it meant nothing to her as she shrunk further away from him.

 

“You know...I have had so many conversations with you in my head....and you're here now and I just can't sort it all out...” she took a deep breath like this was something she had to do, that this was a moment between them that had to happen right now “You were my person, my other half and when you got hurt it felt like...someone had ripped off my arms and legs and it was terrifying but I think the worse thing was in that fucking clinic where you would stare at the walls and look through me like I wasn't there...and I'm not saying this to guilt you....and thats the problem because I look at you and I know you're still hurt...” She pauses like she's lost train of thought before beginning again “God..I wanted so badly to help you. I wanted to be there for you ….but you didn't want me.” her voice warbles just a bit and her breath hitches. 

 

“No...it wasn't like that..” Adam protests, because it was too sad to hear. It was too dejected and awful and he can't have been the one to do that to her. It was someone else he thinks to himself and he wants to tell her that but he doesn't think it'll make sense to her.

 

“I called the clinic one day and they said you just left. I called you so many times that night, so many nights after...and you were just gone. And I thought I was going to die without you. Really..I thought my heart was going to shrivel up and I would die...” He can tell she doesn't want to cry, but she does lightly, trying to wipe the tears away before they have a chance to dribble down her cheek. 

 

Another apology is on the tip of his tongue, and in his eyes and his touch when he draws her to him into a sort of side hug. He's not sure its what he should be doing because he caused this but she doesn't push him away. “Baby...I...wish things hadn't...” and he doesn't really know how to finish the thought because so many things have changed now he can't pinpoint where the regrets start or end. 

 

“Its fucked up because I love you. And the minute I saw you today I wanted you to be ok. I wanted to tell you that if you were drowning here and needed to go that that was ok if it helped...but then this other part of me is just so fucking hurt because you left and you didn't tell me...and you don't know how much it sucks to be left...to worry....to be so angry and scared and....” 

 

“I won't do it again....” He shakes his head because he's not sure how he means it. Part of him wants to leave because he's done so much damage and it feels wrong to be there but he knows if she asked him to stay he would and he almost wants her to tell him how he should feel. He wants her to tell him he should feel awful, that he should go live under a bridge because he's a shitty human being, a horrible coward.

 

“The only thing that helped was letting go. I stood on cliffs, the ones we used to hike to and I sat there for hours because I couldn't live in this suspended stupid way anymore. I couldn't half live waiting for you and I know maybe to someone, maybe to you it feels like I gave up but thats not how it was. It was like the only relief I could get was deciding that our journeys weren't connected anymore.” 

 

The weather started to turn cold in the night and she twisted out of his arms and walked back into the house through the sliding glass doors. She looked around house the same way he must have hours earlier like they were touring a museum. “It looks smaller” she says with a small breathy laugh under her breath. She speeds up the stairs to their bedroom with the boundless energy of a child and he follows with significantly less enthusiasm. But its like the heavy stuff was left outside for awhile and she bounces down on the bed and he does the same. He wants to ask her how long ago she moved out because its like she hasn't seen the place in years, like its her old childhood home. He decides against asking, not wanting to conjure up any difficult memories.

 

“I've always hated that painting...and the piano.” She points to both with a mischievous grin and she lays back with her arms behind her head. He puts his hand over his mouth like he's shocked by these revelations. Then she seemed to grow thoughtful again and she turned to ask him with a furrowed brow “where did you go?”

 

“I grew a really long beard and I traveled the world like a grifter...no one knew who I was and I learned to do magic tricks and ride a horse” He spoke lazily spinning her a story like thats what she asked for. 

 

“Who were you with?”

“Lots of people...you meet a lot of people all around the world. There was this chicken I...”

“Tell me, really.” She interrupted 

“Blake took me in after the clinic and I stayed with him until the press showed up on his lawn and my publicist made it seem like I wasn't there very long...but I was.” He looked away and fiddled with the hem of his shirt because he didn't want to talk about Blake. He didn't want to think about him right now. She was quiet for a little while and Adam worried this information had hurt her, that knowing where he'd been all those months had made her sad again. 

“Did you fall in love with him?” she makes sure to sit up so she can see his face when he answers “Is he your 'sort of' from earlier?” 

He looks at her like he can't figure how she's put this together and laughs like she's joking but he does it a beat too slow and it doesn't come out quite right.

“He's my best friend...” he says more solemnly than he means to but its all over face that there's more to it but she doesn't press further.

 

“Did you fall in love while I was gone” he asks

“No, not love. I fell in _like_ and then in lust and now its just...growing.” 

“Oh.” He feels this tinge of sadness that she may have moved on and he knows that he shouldn't be allowed to feel that way for a person he so thoroughly left behind but he does even in the midst of being glad that she seemed to be better off without him or at least fine. “What you do want, B? Do you want me still? Can we just go back?”

“What do you want?” She volleyed back sharply like it was improper to put the decisions on her but it really was all up to her. 

 

He loved her, he loved every inch of her but they had shifted in a way. She didn't trust him with her heart anymore and he had run off and given part of his to someone else whether he wanted to admit to it or not. But they could work hard at this, because thats what people say. They say marriage isn't easy its hard work and it doesn't just fall into place. He can't tell if he's just scared or squeamish about having to face the gulf of shit between them including the accident or if this really is the ending that can't be worked around. 

 

“I think I did what I did to you because I couldn't look at you after what I had done, because I needed you to love me in a way thats pure and simple the way its always been. I couldn't lean on you because I had all these shitty impulses and ...I just didn't want to look different to you.” He presented it like it was a revelation and she looked back at him like he hadn't answered the question and after a moment she repeated it.

“So...What do you want?”

“Tell me about him...this guy. Do you live together?” He stalled 

“Were thinking about it....” She smiles like she's already decided she will “I thought I was pregnant with his baby...and it turned out that I wasn't but I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you about how it felt because you were always my friend too. And its like you occupied so much space in my life...that I can't believe now that I'm going to say this... but we shouldn't be together. Not now anyway...” she sighs and turns to him and her eyes get that glassy wet sheen again “I don't think I fit with where you're going, where you should go and I think I need to figure some of my own stuff out....so maybe this goodbye for now” She reaches her hand out to shake his hand and he takes it in his then kisses her palm. 


	9. under the waves

He reads the sloppily written note three times over before letting it fall back to the floor where Adam had left it. He determines in that moment that Adam will be back at his door any minute like a wounded baby bird and Blake can already imagine wrapping him up and enveloping him in his arms. Three days later when it becomes clear Adam isn't coming back, thats when the hurt rolls in and the shock of it. He putters through his house realizing it isn't his anymore, its theirs and it makes him want to throw up. He gets to the kitchen and when he sees Adams mug sitting on the kitchen island he thinks smashing it might help, that watching it shatter into hundreds of pieces will be some how satisfying. He raises it above his head and hurls it to the floor...and it doesn't help...at all. He immediately gets a dustpan and broom and sweeps the pieces up and puts them in the trash. Then all he wants to do is leave and packs his bag before he even knows where he's going.

 

At first he resolves not to think about Adam because it will only open the door to garbled up confusing feelings he doesn't have a handle on. But he can't not think of him even when he gets in his truck and drives forever with the intent purpose of getting away from his thoughts. Predictably he can't outrun them and he stops trying. He pilgrimages to the woods for a very manly grizzled week killing woodland creatures. Using the solitude to sort himself out which he doesn't really do completely. The one thing he can't shake when it came to Adam was there was a cruelty in taking Blake to this intimate spot, to a soaring height and then leaving him only hours later to crash alone. He would try to focus on how scared Adam might have been or how stupid it was to fall for someone so breakable and confused but it didn't matter how much he tried to cover over his hurt and his anger it still sat there like lump in his stomach.

 

He gave himself a week to do whatever it was he was doing, which felt a bit like mourning. He tried to call Adam at one point and when he got no response he decided this was all too fucked up. He had been so mystified that he just walked away from his life for months and for what? It didn't really help anyone. Adam was still fucked up and now he felt this jolt of unsteady burning through him too. But when he emerged from the forest he was going to tighten up and go back to work and just chalk whatever happened to some sort of anomaly.

 

When he got back to LA he felt more listless then he wanted but he was nothing if not professional and he could dial his dimples up at will and charm anyone pretty easily. Which was a quality he was lucky to have in that when he returned to film the show all anyone asked him about for days was Adam. The only saving grace being that Adam was not there. The show had been on hiatus since the accident and when Adam declined to return they replaced him with some tattooed guy from a band Blake hadn't heard of but they were apparently popular or at some point were. He knew it was better for his mental health not to have Adam there but he still found new guys presence irritating. Not that he he was that bad of a dude he just was was this irrational symbol of what was gone though he wasn't the only reminder. This big stupid flashy show was where he met Adam, where he kind of fell for him and he saw memories of him and literal images of him everywhere. But he shoved it all aside and was by and large spectacular. He handled red carpet questions about Adam gamely, he was the same affable loveable funny guy on the show. He started dating again, and filling his time until little by little it became easier to pretend that Adam and he hadn't crossed a line. It became easier to him out of his mind because Adam was something that had culminated in a different dimension. He was a dream, he was an acid trip and mostly easy to ignore because he had all but fallen off the grid...again. Adam was in LA he knew that for sure but he wasn't traveling in the circles he used to and the only whiff of him was occasional pap shots of him randomly coming out of a store or a bar.

 

He knew one day he'd face Adam again and to be honest he wasn't even dreading it anymore. That was the difference space and time had made. He was almost cocky about it, thinking about how he would shake his hand when he saw him, how cool he would be, he'd smile at him like he was happy to see his old friend and maybe he would be. But he wouldn't look betrayed and he wouldn’t look needy, thats what he knew for sure. Or he did, until the fateful day came and he got a frantic call from Adams manager to come talk Adam off a ledge so to speak or more accurately out of an ocean.

 

He recoiled at the request almost laughed into his phone but he wouldn't hang up. He just held his breath until the voice on the other end explained they just needed someone who Adam would listen to to come down and get him off the fucking beach before they drew any attention. The word no was on the tip of his tongue and it stayed there even as he drove at 2am out to where Adam was.

 

When he pulled up two cars were there facing out towards the ocean with there highbeams on highlighting the back of a figure waded into the ocean up to his hips. Blake started walking towards it not feeling confident in what he could achieve, if he even wanted to be the person that saves Adam from himself again.

 

He walks to edge of the surf directly behind Adam and Blake takes in the few moments he has before Adam knows he's there, before he turns around.

 

“Adam...” He calls to him finally. Adam turns around so sharply at the sound of his voice and when he sees Blake he looks at him like he's ghost, like he can't be real.

 

“Go away!” He yells back, his voice straining and high. He's angry at who ever's gotten Blake involved and maybe a little angry that Blake would come. He wades in a bit further because all really wants is to be in the middle of the ocean to float on his back like a raft in the dark water. He likes how black it is how he can't see whats before him. He doesn't know exactly how long he's been there but he knows its long enough to seem like he's off his hinges and maybe he is.

 

“Get out of there, and I'll go.” Blake calls back gruffly like this is a duty or chore to fulfill. He doesn't know what Adam means to him at this moment but he knows he doesn't want him to get pulled under the waves and despite himself he doesn't want this image of him blasted across social media. He realizes he shouldn't really care about Adams image or whether people thinks he's mad or not because none of it really matters. He can't picture a day where Adam is like he was before attending events, singing infectious pop songs or smiling on talk shows. So what did it matter what people heard or thought, afterall you can't tank a career that’s already been put out of its misery. But he still couldn't take the thought of it, the indignity of Adams struggles splashed around.

 

“I'm just...having a moment...I'm not going to do anything.” It was only a little bit of a lie of omission. He had considered letting himself sink under the waves, disappearing into the black but only for a moment. Only because he had come to find everything too difficult: Relating to people, moving, breathing, and dealing with loved ones disappointments. But even as he stood there having thought about going away he knew it was dreadfully dramatic and that there was a small chance he made his life harder than it had to be and the thoughts of leaving this world turned into more of a ocean emerged meditation.

 

“I know I might be the wrong man for the job, here. But you have to get out of the fucking water before they call the fire dept or whoever they call to deal with dip shits who...” Blake took a deep breath knowing his irritation wasn't what needed to be on display “...just come out. This is going to look real bad in a headline tomorrow...and your family...”

 

“Why can't I just stand here?” Adam waded around the waves bobbing here and there trying to stay somewhat upright “Who is that hurting? Why does it look like anything other than what it is?”

 

“You know why.” Blake called to him at this point he had his shoes off and his pant legs rolled up not that it mattered the waves were already crashing above his knees. He already knew the story of the nights events that Adam had gotten into a bar fight and physically removed from an establishment while wailing and fighting his way out the door. As they spoke videos and pictures of him trying to beat the shit out of someone were circulating and this little after affect on top of all that wasn't going to play well. He could also tell that Adam didn't care.

 

“I just wanted to float like when I was a kid and I would lay on my back and the waves would just carry me wherever...” He smiled to himself thinking of his mother and how he used to get carried just a little too far out and everyone would scurry and worry over him.

 

Blake hated him in this moment. He was being idiot who he couldn't get to budge and now he felt sorry for him. Blake audibly groans as he takes the rest of the plunge into the water until he's right behind Adam. He doesn't speak as he's done with trying to convince him. He knows Adam well enough to know he's tired and wasted and that when he wraps his arms around Adams waist that he'll fall back into Blake and let him pull back to shore. When they get back on land his first thought is to drop Adam on the beach and let the driver and his manager handle the rest but he doesn't because theres a satisfaction in dragging Adam like wet sack and shoving him into his truck. He wants to finish the night through. He wants to put Adam in his house and shut the door and not think about him again tonight.

 

He pulls into the driveway of the darkened house and hauls Adam out of his car. As far as he can tell Adam was able to move on his own but was too slow for Blakes taste and he wrapped his arm around Adams shoulders to usher him inside. They both sloshed into Adams once polished immaculate house which now looked like it was occupied by a dozen frat boys. Tequila bottles filled the sink, everything was cluttered and overturned. Adam shivered as he broke away from Blake.

 

“Do you want a drink?” Adam mumbled as Blake followed him further into the kitchen.

“No” Blake knew he should leave, part of him wanted to but there was a gross curiosity in watching Adam sluggishly maneuver himself around. He limps slightly to the fridge and pulls out something from a left over container and goes about arranging it on a plate and heating it in the microwave. He places the plate of food in front of a space at the kitchen island and motions for Blake to sit there which he does even though he finds this whole thing absurd. Adam sits down opposite and looks down at the food and back up at Blake like he's made some grand gesture. Blake takes the opportunity to look over the bruises on Adams face and the scraped up knuckles and he looks really rough but somehow still gorgeous like its all well placed make up for a movie. And its infuriating how his beauty could still blind Blake for even a second.

 

“Man, I'm not eating this.” Blake finally says even though he has fork in hand as if he was about 2 seconds from politely picking at it.

“It's just from yesterday. Its good.”

“Adam...” Blake stands because he should go he knows that, he wants to. “Goodbye.” and he starts to walk away when he needs to make a dig at him “See how I did that...said goodbye?” he's all sarcasm and from the outset he knew it would look like he's kicking a puppy what with Adam sitting there sore and limp.

“I'm sorry” Adam says and then winces because thats all the note said, thats all he was saying now and it still didn't mean anything.

“Good, thats great...” Blake rolls his eyes and waits for more because now that he's there he wants to push Adam to say something more. Something that explained it all but he doesn't say anything he just sits there getting more and more tense.

“Just get the fuck out Blake” Adam spits suddenly snapping into form like a snake uncoiling. “I'm serious. I don't want you here.” and Blake is taken aback by the intent of it but he leans into it satisfied that he's bothered Adam, even just a little.

 

“Tell me why you left.”

“Because I was bored. You bore me.”Adam waves his hand like a spoiled little prince and Blakes not sure if he's affecting some sort of character or if he's just like this now.

“Really?” Blake laughed under his breath.

“yeah” Adam swallowed “Fucking you...was like...”

“like what?” Blake asks making his way around the island towards him.

“It was.... I don't know..... I wanna say it was like the way guys in prison do it because theres nothing else better to stick their dicks in but I don't know how to phrase it in a way that is cutting enough to make you leave.” he was too foggy to be witty and just lucid enough to still be an asshole. He shook his head and cut to what he really wanted to know “What are you doing here?” Because it doesn't make sense why Blakes standing there and he just wants him to go and fly free the way he intended him to the night he left him. When Blake doesn't answer Adam takes it as a weakness and strikes at him again. “You wanna fuck me Shelton? Is that why you're here?”

 

He sees a flicker in Blakes eyes and he can't tell if Blake's pissed or turned on. Adam takes it further and unzips his pants and yanks them down a little “You wanna shot at me Cowboy? I know you do. You always have.” he says in this hushed mock sexy voice as he crowds Blake. He wants to antagonize him, push him over the edge. “You can hurt me.” he adds “I know you want to” he breathes in Blakes ear. He turns so his back is to Blake and leans against the counter in front of him and lets his pants fall right below his ass. “Fuck me hard...come on. I know thats why you're here, to get your turn.”

 

Blake is mystified by this reaction this total blatant bullshit of a response and he can feel his face get hot with anger and a mix of getting sort of turned on which pisses him off more. Why couldn't Adam just be a human being and and explain? Why can't he just tell Blake he got scared and ran away? Because Blake more than he would admit wants to forgive him but of course Adam wants to be difficult. Blake gruffly grabs Adams wrist and twists it behind his back. Adam stumbles forward smashing the soft of his belly into the surface before him. He lets out this groan and Blake leans over Adams back, letting him squirm a little.

 

“Were not doing it like this” he says gruffly

“Don't be a pussy.” Adam chokes out but his heart isn't really in it and it doesn't come out nearly as shitty as its meant to. Blake let's go of Adams wrist and slides his hand down Adams back to his pants and pulls them back up.

“When I fuck you...” He starts to flounder a bit not sure he should have started with a statement so telling and definitive. He starts to speak again than stops a few times before taking a breath and finishing his thought the best he can “...I'm gonna make you feel so good, Adam.” He's too raw for this, too sincere and he does what Adam would do and he bolts. He doesn't close the door behind him or look back for even second he just gets to the safety of his truck and peels away.

 

 

 


	10. pooky

It takes awhile of aimless pissed off driving for him to realize he's doing exactly what Adam wants. He knows theres more to this than Adam just deciding he doesn't want him anymore and even though he's bone deep scared that he's wrong about that, he still finds himself pulling back up to Adam house. The door he had swung open is still as he left it almost like he was meant to walk through it again that night. He some how expects to also find Adam where he left him in the kitchen, not there's a good reason to think Adam wouldn't have moved in the hour or so Blake has been gone. He walks through the kitchen like it's a crime scene noticing it's eerily quiet. He inspects the whole of the first floor going over the events that had led him there in the first place. Adam may have been trying to drown himself that night and Blake was so clouded with hurt he left him alone there afterwords and this creates a feeling of unease that lands in his chest. Now the door left open seems less like a sign and more ominous as Blake bounds up the stairs until he finds him. He's laying on his bedroom floor where it looks like he'd been attempting to get dressed then gave up. Adam picks his head up at the sound of Blake entering the room and then flops it back down like he's too drained of power to even look at Blake until he's standing over Adam.

“You came back?” theres a quiver in his voice that Blake can't interpret but he seems confused and surprised and grateful and a little disappointed

“Yeah” Blake offers simply before instinctively crouching down to pull the sweatpants that were at Adam ankles up to his waist.

“I drank too much.” Adam says like its an explanation as he stares at the ceiling more talking into the room than at Blake

“I was worried about you”

“I don't want you to worry about me.”

“I don't think I can stop” Blake sighs, honesty coming easier when he's half sure this whole interaction will be a fuzzy haze come morning.

“Why though, Blake? I mean really...I let you go. I took you to the forest and told you to go run free with the other animals that are just like you, so you could be happy and free like a carefree little bunny or a graceful antelope....” Adam paused for a second losing himself in his analogy “but....here you are.” He waves his hand in a slow circle for emphasis and then lazily gazes up at Blake.

“I don't think you left to set me free. I think you're a coward....” Blake bites back meaner than he intends to be, then he sits down hard on the floor next to Adam wishing he was a little drunk himself “but God help me... I love you, you fucking prick.” he lets out a weak laugh because thats really the only explanation he has for what he's doing there, why he was always there for Adam even when he didn't want to be. Adam rolls onto his belly and turns his head to watch Blake.

“Say it again” He speaks so nonchalantly like he's asking Blake to hand him something because the weight of the words aren't really registering yet but he knows even in his discombobulated state that he likes the way it sounds. Blake shakes his head no in reply and Adam shrugs up at him, his eyelids getting heavy “I don't like hurting you...” he says sleepy and breathless ,too close to sleep to say anymore. Blake watches him almost drift off and he huffs as he stands to drag Adam up into a slumped standing position. He wraps his arm around Adams waist so they're engaged in this pseudo hug that shakes Adam awake only a little as he lets Blake do the majority of the work in leading him to his bed. Blake places him down gently and covers him up as Adam smiles weakly up at him before his eyes flutter closed again.

 

Blake walks toward the door feeling like he'd done a good deed, he had tucked Adam in and made sure he was safe and his job should've been done but he couldn't stop lingering. Then lingering became hovering as Blake jostled his drunk sleeping friend to roll him onto his side suddenly concerned that if Adam got sick in the night that he'd choke. And even after that assurance he still wasn't ready to leave and he cursed himself as he rounded to the opposite side of the bed and laid down beside the sweaty drunkard. He was just going to stay until he felt like driving home he told himself. He was only going to let his eyes settle on Adam for a few minutes more, and then he lets himself rest for a little while which turns into several hours and before he knows it he's spent the night there in Adams bed. It was comfortingly familiar and also sort of angst inducing. He half hopes Adam will have forgotten his declaration of love even if it was some what less than romantic it still means something to him to have said the words out loud. He carefully lifts himself from the bed and sneaks towards the door but when he takes one last look back Adam is staring right at him.

 

“You spent the night” he smiles sort of amused as he eases himself into a sitting position. He groans and puts his hands to his face “Its bright in here, right?”

“Not really” Blake replies still filling the doorway, still about to break free.

“This is a wicked headache” He says inching his way off the bed “Could be worst I guess. I haven't puked from being drunk since I was a kid so thats lucky I guess...” He keeps talking to Blake and he can't really tell why he won't just let him leave but he spent the night there...after everything he watched out for him...again. Maybe after his head calmed down, maybe after he remembers what he wanted for Blake in the first place he'll zing him with something shitty and push him out again. But right then he just wants to talk until Blake talks back. “Except remember when we tried absinthe...that was rough...” he chuckles slightly which he regrets after realizing laughing makes his head hurt worse.

“That wasn't me..” Blake spoke up loud enough for Adam to hear as he wanders into the bathroom on the search for some aspirin.

“What?” Adam calls back before reentering the room.

“We didn't try Absinthe together...”

“Oh” Adam looks down at the floor “right. It was Jamie. I confuse you guys sometimes now...I don’t really know why. I asked my therapist about it...”

“You have a therapist?” Blake starts to laughing harder than is appropriate “This is you with a therapist?” he asks in disbelief

“This is me without you” He says and its so saccharine sweet and it doesn't completely apply. Its like some bullshit he'd have said to his wife to win her around, to soften her up but some how he also kind of means it.

“Shut up” Blake rolls his eyes and finally makes the plunge out the door way and down the stairs. Adam follows him with more quickness then his body wants to allow.

“Wait...hey. I can cook you breakfast?”

“I came here because you were really fucked up last night. Now you're better, Adam and I'm so fucking tired.”

“Go lay back down and sleep for awhile then” Adam offers like nothing has happened between them, like they hadn't fought, like Blake hadn't pulled him out of an ocean. He spoke as if Blake was a guest at his hotel.

“What is this? When I want you, when I need you, you push me out the door. But now that I'm doing what you fucking wanted...” he scrubs his hand over his face so annoyed and conflicted that he doesn't really know what he wants to do himself anymore.

 

“Ok, Blake. Look.....” He stalls trying to conjure a bit of honesty “I'm embarrassed about last night....all of it. And I guess I thought some scrambled eggs might make us even” he smirks hoping a tiny bit of humor might help but it doesn't. Blake just looks at him like he's stupid and fake and Adam knows he has to say something, just one affecting thing thats going to make this moment a little better for the both of them because he can't shake the flashes of memory he has of shoving himself over in front of blake last night daring him to fuck him. And Its too early in the morning to rewrite it and twist it in his head so that its not so mortifying to think of. Now it was just something that made him feel queasy and he wants Blake to just smile at him or do something reassuring. “Ok...I am an asshole thats a given, right? I've always been kind of an asshole...you know that...” He nods at Blake who seems to just be waiting for Adam to get to the point “...but you sort of said you'd give everything up back in Oklahoma, the night the paparazzi showed up. I just didn't want you to lose what you've worked for...I thought you'd regret it.”

“Thats bullshit, Adam.” Blake says with out anger. He's just sitting back calling it like he sees it like he doesn't have time for Adams shit.

“...ok....fine. I didn't think I could handle your devotion. I didn't think I was worthy of it and I would make you regret it....is that better?” Adam laughs under his breath, trying not to get pissy with him but his head is pounding and this whole thing is requiring more introspection than he'd anticipated.

“A little...” Blake says still somewhat unimpressed.

“You know fuck off then....ok sure I left you and that sucks but what are you doing? I told you to leave last night and then you come back and you...” he almost chickens out of saying the last part of what he needs to say. He takes a beat and looks hard at Blake then grits his teeth and continues “You come here and you tell me you love me and then I'm fucking nice to you...I'm fucking trying.... I mean whose running now, coward?” He spits the word coward back at him. “if you wanted to fuck me up as some pay back, you succeeded alright? You really got me.” He feels so bone deep tired of everything again, of having all the clashing feelings and moods.

“...you're being 'nice' to me?” Blake repeats it, points it out like its evidence but he can see Adams eyes glaze over in the way thats never good and he follows Adam as he stumbles away from him.

“My head hurts...” he says as Blake gets closer and he feels almost sick because his feelings are stupid and they dont make sense. He had left Blake so sure he was sparing him, he was freeing him and now he wasn't really sure thats what he was even doing. He wants to explain himself but he isn't sure he can reach down far enough to understand himself but he decides to try.

 

“When I was 12, I think met the love of my life but I didn't really know it... Its like I buried this thing, this feeling so deep that I made it unreal and then all of sudden it all came back like a wave crashing into me except over and over and I can't stand..” He pauses knowing it all sounds like nonsense but Blake nods like it isn't and Adam takes a breath and keeps going “I think I loved him the day I met him before we ever did all the stuff friends don't do....we never...” he looks up at Blake so seriously and he won't say the words like he can't even to this day say out loud what he and his friend had done together. And Blake can't wrap his head around it because Adam has always been so overtly sexual and the least shy person he knew and yet Adam's looking at him now like a scared little boy. “he and I didn’t do what you and I did...we didn't get that far but it was close. And then one day it was like we just stopped...like it was just this weird dream that we both woke up from and we never talked about it again.”

“It was Jamie wasn't it?” It comes to Blake like he's found a piece of a puzzle but he doesn't really know exactly where it fits in relation to himself but he can see clearly from Adams face that it does.

“Yeah.” Adam can barely answer because he can't fight the feeling that he's betraying his friend and it wasn't like Jamie ever told him not to say anything but it was always this weird unspoken vow between them and now he was breaking it. And it didn't matter that Jamie was dead the bond was still there because how do you live more than half your life with someone and then just go on without them like all the things you felt, all the secrets you kept don't matter anymore? “ I never wanted to be with him again like that, I didn't pine for him ...but then he was gone...” he made a gesture with his hand like Jamie had just floated away. “and...it was like all these 'what ifs' started and I didn't know what anything meant anymore. And then there you were and you were my best friend too and I don't know it... was like that door he and I shut up so tight...it was like you were...” He sighs and jams his fists into his forehead sinking to the floor discouraged “fuck...this is stupid.”

“Keep going” Blake urges as he kneels down beside him.

“It was like he was there. It was like you were this continuation, the second chapter...and at first it made me feel closer to him and then it made me feel sort of fucked up and I didn't want you to put your life off or sacrifice when I wasn't sure of what was happening.” he blurts out the rest like he needs to exorcise it from his body. It's the last reason he can give to Blake, and all he has left to say. Blake rubs the small of Adams back trying to be encouraging even though he feels a kind of dread building.

 

“Maybe we should get you back to bed..” he says because its all he can think to say and he'll say anything to keep from hearing Adam tell him that what they did was some byproduct of grief. Even if its true he doesn't want to hear it. So he stands up and he reaches his hand out to Adam to help him up and Adam takes it and lets Blake pull him to his feet.

 

“Hey” Adam stops him from going any further and keeps a hold of Blakes hand. “Blake...” He stares up at him, right in the eye with his intense 'I'm about to say something important' face “I love you too.” He smiles up at him because he's been saying a lot of things he's unsure of but that isn't one of them “Thats what I wanted to say, that I left for all those reasons and I was a coward...and maybe I don't know what to do with it, but I love you.” He really only started to realize he had knitted Jamie and Blake so hopelessly together after the nightmares started And at first he thought it was an awful twist for his brain to make, so much so he tried to  push it away. And then somewhere along the way he thought it might be a blessing.

 

“Adam...” he says his name like it hurts to speak it because he's so fucking scared of losing and he didn't know how much until now, until he thought it might be final but Adams still looking at him with this expression thats sort of hopeful and tired. He thinks of last night and then this morning and can barely keep up with this shift but he has to kiss him. It doesn’t even feel like its the right time but sweeps his arm around the back of Adam and crashes against him. Then he follows with a kiss less intense, laying one on his cheek first and then his lips second. Adam closes his eyes and hums a little and Blake kisses his chin and then his forehead.

“What do we do now?” Adam asks

“What do you think we should do?” Blake responds but he isn't really thinking of the future, he's too busy poring over the scabs on Adams knuckles and then the veins that he can see so clearly running underneath his pale skin on the underside of his forearm and he inspects every line, every tattoo because Adam loves him and he can touch him and creepily stare at him because Adam's a little bit his now and that makes it ok. He fixates on him until Adam starts to laugh and he pulls him to a couch because his head still aches and his body aches too and he just needs to not be standing anymore. They sit side by side and Adam scoots close to Blake and lets his leg rest against Blakes. Adam's almost skittish, not really knowing how to act and not being quite put together yet, and he goes through all the times he's said he's loved someone and what happened after. None of the things he had done before in those situations seems to fit now because this doesn't feel sweet or sexy or romantic it feels like they just fought a battle. Blake puts his arm around Adam and kisses his cheek again even though it feels desperate he can't stop planting kissing on him. Luckily Adam doesn't find it desperate he thinks its something verging on adorable and if he weren't feeling like death he would of climbed on top of Blake, rewarded him for all he's done but he can't swing it now with his stomach nauseous and the head still pounding. All he can muster is curling up and laying his head in Blakes lap as Blake runs his fingers through Adam hair and then rubs his head until Adam's almost purring.

 

After Adam dozes off on his leg Blake pauses from his masseuse duties to check his ever alerting phone and in addition to the cessation in massage action Blake muttering “oh shit!” wakes Adam up.

“Dude?” Adam whines

“About 200 people have sent me links to a video called 'Adam Levine Bar Fight'.” Blake informs.

“Oh..that.” he says dismissively. Last night feels like years ago at this point. “Are you watching it?” He asks stupidly as Blake is clearly watching it. “Do I look at all cool?”

Blake shakes his head no in reply “This guy your attempting to fight is huge. He's like a wall. Was there no one more your speed around? maybe a skinny cardigan wearing dude?”

“Alright...” Adam feigns annoyed before sitting up to swipe Blakes phone. The video in question starts with a voice high and straining yelling over and over 'Fuck you' and Adam isn't sure its even his until he looks closer. The picture is grainy at best but he can still make out what a lunatic he looks like. He feels he gets cool points by landing the first punch but when his giant opponent takes a swing and makes contact with Adams neck, he flies backwards and never really recovers. As soon as he limps back into the fight Adam stops watching and hands the phone back. “Thats bleak”

“Its not that bad” Blake soothes.

“They're gonna bother me about this for weeks.”

“It'll blow over.” Blake says because everything eventually does, if anyone knew that it was Blake. His marriages and girlfriends always seemed to end up on gossip sites but one way or another it all eventually stops. and even if it didn't he was so 'glass half full' euphoric he couldn't find that it mattered either way now. His outlook engulfs them both and Adam visibly relaxes.  

“So...” Adams tone hits an upbeat like he's changing the topic. “What do we do now? It feels like we should do something.”

“Like what?”

“You wanna go to a fancy restaurant or get a hotel room with rose petals sprinkled on the bed....drink champagne....” Adam laughs quietly before asking more seriously “do you think everything will change?”

“I do....” Blake smiles to himself “mostly that you're my little pooky bear now” he puts on this sickening baby voice because he can tell without even looking its made Adam cringe.

“That was horrifying...” Adam chuckles “...like really never again, man”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. man cuddle

As soon as he feels the jolt in bed next to him he sleepily throws his arm in Adams direction until he reaches him and rubs at whatever part he's hit.

“Another dream?” he croaks even though he knows before he even opens his eyes thats what this is and Adam doesn't bother to confirm it he just rolls on to his side to face Blake.

“Just do the thing...” He demands though not harshly, trying to skip the formalities.

“Adam...” he whines but his weak protest makes no difference as Adam turns again to lay flat on his back letting his arms flop outstretched.

“C'mon just do it” Adam pushes. “you like it...you know you like it.” He smiles knowingly at him because they both are sure Blake won't turn him down. So Blake dutifully shifts his weight and as delicately as he can rolls flat on top of Adam in an action Adam has dubbed a “manly cuddle”.

“I'm gonna fall asleep and crush you one day” Blake uselessly warns deciding against reminding him of his preference for a more pleasant side spoon style cuddle because it was impossible to talk Adam out of wanting this.

“I'm not a fucking infant, man” He didn't know why the weight of Blake against his chest made him feel so much better but it tended quell the unease that churned in his stomach. It was like Blake just pressed the fear and the angst out of him and grounded him back on earth after whatever sad or scary thing his subconscious had just set upon him in his sleep. And 'manly cuddle' worked so well he couldn't really care right then that they kept Blake awake “Just get used to it already” he ordered unsympathetically. Normally, Blake wouldn't object except for the fact that when he returned to LA he also returned to his country super star work grind. He thought about reminding Adam he had to be up in a few short hours to catch a flight to New York but he gave in to the advantages of a warm body nuzzling into him. He wraps his legs around Blakes waist and his arms across his back which were some new moves. Usually Adam just liked to lay flat and squished until he fell asleep.

“What're you doing?”

“I'm calling it the starfish”

“Why?....nevermind... you gotta stop you're gonna...” Blake trailed off because he didn't need to say it because Adam was already laughing.

“I'm sorry...” he relents feeling the burn of knowing he takes Blake for granted too often and that he should let the poor man sleep how he wants “...man cuddle time is now over.” Adam announces like a conductor letting his legs drop away freeing him from his clutches. He pushes Blake up ever so slightly but the larger man doesn't move much, just sighs exaggeratedly.

“Fuck it...were mancuddling til morning.” He says it like he's giving in begrudgingly but at this point he's starting to care less about his morning commitments. The more time he spends with Adam there in his bed the more he wants to chuck the meetings and promotions planned all together. And if leaving him for a few days was going to be this hard he dreaded thinking about what going on his upcoming tour dates would be like.

“I told you you liked it”Adam whispers into Blakes neck.

“Shut up.” Blake moans as he resettles on Adam and kisses him on the forehead. “You better now?” he adds more sincerely because above everything else he wants that to be true. The accident wasn't really even an event anymore it had become a disease that Adam had been living with and some days he was really sick and other days he wasn't as much and being in the midst of all the ebbs and flows of it for so long it made it sort of easy for Blake to let the complexities of the whole thing slip his mind now and again.

“Yeah.” Adam sighs but he's already half asleep and as soon as Blake can tell he's completely out he gingerly wraps his arms securely around Adam and rolls them both swiftly around so that their positions are upended with Adam now draped across Blakes chest. He considered just detaching from him all together but then decides when Adam wakes up he'll see the compromise Blake made and appreciate the effort.

 

Adam knows things have changed when he wakes up and his back is cold and his front is warm but he can tell from Blakes snoring and the sweat and spit that they both slept hard so its all worked out in the end. He pushes himself up so he's sitting on Blakes middle with his knees straddling his waist and expects this motion alone to rouse the snoring bear beneath him but it doesn't. Adam lets out a snort of a laugh when he spies the clock and its past 7am and he can distantly hear Blakes phone buzzing.

 

“Hey” he whispers softly,as he in contrast less delicately paddles at Blakes face rocking his head back and forth in his hands. “you're late” he laughs when Blakes eyes finally shoot open.

 

“Shit” he groans as he wipes the sleep from his eyes but Adam is still grinning at him and he's finding it impossibly distracting watching a delighted Adam bob above him in the morning light that seems tinted some how a brilliant blue . “You think this is funny, huh?” He raises his eyebrows then quickly grabs a hold of Adams hips and flips him around so he's over Adam. He wrestles his hands above his head while Adam squirms beneath him. Blakes initial intent is to tease him but he gives in too quickly to another stronger urge to press his lips against Adams and then his tongue is mingling with Adams and his fingers are dragging through the smaller mans hair.

 

“We should get out of here...” He says after parting from Adams lips and flopping onto his back next to him. He thinks LA is poisonous to them and he can't shake that feeling no matter how many times Adam tells him in his most exaggerated country accent that he's being an an ass backward country idiot who doesn't trust 'big 'ol cities'. But he can feel the vapid restlessness pushing its way in. The way people could surround the house and line the streets when Adam left to go anywhere isolated Adam more than he ever could be in Oklahoma. The bar fight video had garnered more attention than they expected and it seemed to just be the capper to a year long saga that spurred constant rumors of meltdowns and drug use and ultimately killed Adams hopes of people losing interest in him. 

 

“They'll follow us...” He says quietly

“... go to another country, I mean.” Blake props himself up and looks down at Adam and he can just suddenly envision him dancing on their own private beach in paradise and its such a perfect vision it shifts his morning ramble of an idea into something closer to a plan.

“Have you ever even been out of the country” Adam asks suddenly amused by Blakes daydreaming. He stares up at Blake as he starts to shift into a more contemplative mood.

“I'd go anywhere if it meant we were free.” He adds soberly and he knows its the wrong thing to say because its too heavy and unrealistic. He could talk a good game about walking away from the level of career he's achieved but he can't quite shake off the nag in his head that says that he needs it. And in this moment he feels down to his bones sure he would pick love everytime over fame but he also can't picture Adam ever asking him to.

“You should go.” He says and he adds a smile so Blake doesn't think he's pushing him out.

“Ok” Blake reaches over to let his hand rest on Adams bare chest because being next to Adam and not touching him seemed like a wasted opportunity “I'll see you in two days, ok?” he adds to remind Adam that he'll be on his own. He's not sure if he wants Adam to be bothered by this fact or not but he clearly wasn't as he popped off the bed

“Coffee?” Adam offers as he pauses at the door for a second more so Blake can finish staring at his loose sweat pants that have started to slip down his hips ever so slightly. “you're never gonna get going if you keep looking at me like that.”

“Alright, fine.” He says reluctantly “Yes to coffee, by the way.”

 

He misses his flight and has to wait an hour for another and by the time he gets to New York the people he's meant to be meeting with have been waiting quite awhile for him. Luckily he seems to be at a level where no one bitches at him for things like this. He gets one look off of a guy that says 'ohhh so you're like that now' and Blake wonders briefly if this guy knows just how much a certain cocky rockstar has rubbed off on Blake.

 

The rest of the day of interviews and promotions and parties is more tedious then it needs to be and he fumbles through each part of it sending clumsy texts to Adam. _'what u doin now?'_ got no response but _'what u wearin?'_ got a lot more traction. It started with an _'youre an idiot'_ and ended with a stream of consciousness where Adam imagined and reimagined the weirdest outfits he could think of _'full on shark costume with the ass cut out'_. This was typical Adam fare everything devolved into jokes and bickering especially when it came to sex stuff but Blake was too equally juvenile to mind it. They hadn't done too much in the way of intimacy past kissing and groping since Adam had got the brave/desperate momentum for goodbye sex in Oklahoma. But coming back here they lost the 'only two people on the planet' feeling to their relationship and he wasn't sure how much that factored into why they both didn't quite know how to push past the rubbing against each other scene.

 

And as if a sign from the heavens that maybe some things were clearer than he'd thought Blake receives one more text. Its just a simple picture ...of Adams naked chest and below that only a cowboy hat covering his cock. Blake doesn't breath for a second and he fumbles around like a cartoon character just barely avoiding smacking into a wall but not being stealth enough to save the drink he was holding from crashing to the floor. The image is fantastic but the gesture is what blows him away. Its not that Adams ever been shy about his body or being naked in general but this was different and it didnt matter whether it was a joke or meant to be sensual, either way it was deliberate and Blake loved it.

 

“Real Smooth” came a familiar voice giggling from behind him and he whips around in surprise as soon as he registers who it is. She looks how she always looks... like a star. Her bright red lips are turned up into the most hopeful of smiles and Blake is so flustered and unprepared he doesn't know how to address his ex. Since the disaster that was Christmas, Blake had spoken to Jen two times and neither time was all that productive, and he wondered if this was them becoming friends and when they saw each other now they were meant to beam at one another, and speak familiarly.

 

“Hey...hey how have you been?” he addresses her nervously and too loudly but she smiles because she knows this about him and lightly touches his arm.

“Lets get you another drink.” She folds him into light conversations and  leans into him and tells him she misses him and he daftly says he misses her too because it is true in part. He doesn't necessarily know that his meaning differs from hers or that she's building a small movement, a feeling out. He's too preoccupied and after the fifth or so time that he turns to check his phone she plucks it from his hands and looks at him like a giddy child  flipping through his phone, playing a game of keep away as he grabs at it knowing what she could find and slightly out of his wits over it.

“What has you so...” She doesn't finish her question before the answer finds her. Her mouth drops open in surprise and she hands the phone back to him and shutters a bit like she's about to be ill.

“Its not what you think...” he says after her “...its a joke...” he adds as he looks back down at the offending picture.

“oh...please don't make it worse by lying.” she pleads turning slightly away from him mortified.

“I'm not.” He tries to insist because this is dangerous territory. This isn't a secret that goes away and he can't risk it, so he has to insist that what she saw was a weird joke between brothers. But she's too smart for it and he can see her running through all things she'd seen, all things Blake has said about and done for Adam.

“I'm a fool” she announces “it was in front of my face and I didn't believe it...not really. Not like that.”

“Like what?”

“I knew you loved him... but...I didn't think you were having sex with him...” she clarifies as he hushes her loudly and pulls at her but there was no where to take her that's completely safe.

“Thats not whats happening, ok...and if...people thought it was Jen...” he shakes his head because he can't finish the sentence but he knows it would a be circus and Adam would hate him for it.

“God...I'm not going to say anything.” She breathes still embarrassed and now insulted.

“Promise me...” he practically begs but she doesn't give him the relief of a response and he can't think of how to get his point across but he tries “it wouldn't be good for him...” He adds and he thinks about explaining further but she gives him a look that says he shouldn't. And then they stand in the middle of this strange fancy star filled party they've ended up at in a quiet angst which Blake has no idea how to exit from and the only thing he can think of is how he didn't get any kind of warning about his ex's presence at this party before he arrived and how odd that is in this day and age. 

 

“Are you ready for him?” She asks after a tense moment but he can't decipher what she means specifically, but in general he's pretty sure the answer is no. “I think if you're not...he's gonna break your heart.” she offers sagely like a wise all knowing old woman.

“He's...” he makes a motion with his hands because it takes a moment to think of a proper way to describe Adam. “...still struggling...” 

“grief is a difficult thing” she says sort of in a mildly supportive way, like she's maybe had her fill of this but there's still something left to say that she can't quite access yet. 

“I don't know if he'll ever stop struggling and it worries me. But I...” he trails off because he knows he's taking advantage of her being the sole person who knows this colossal secret. And he wants to spill his guts and admit to how badly he's wanted Adam and for how long and how he feels like he got him on some sort of technicality like it almost doesn't count. Because he knows if Jamie hadn't died, if this grief hadn't come than Blake would never have gotten to taste Adam and feel him the way he has now and he wants to tell someone all this and have them say he's paranoid and everythings fine. He realizes that its too much to ask of his ex, but his mind is set so thoroughly on confessing that he can't think of anything else to say to her.

 

“you feel like 'any port in a storm' and when the fog lifts and he's not 'struggling' anymore you wont fit .” She tries to finish his sentence for him and does so with with deep sorrowful sincerity. At first he marvels to how close she's hit on to his fears but then it dawns on him that she's referring to herself, to them. He wants to reassure her that she wasn't just someone to cling to in times of trouble but now that the idea has been brought to light he can't quite think of a way to convince her otherwise. He met Jen when they both were going through messy divorces, when they both felt so raw and unwanted. They propped each other up and it felt like a gift, it was a gift. And no matter how he tried to explain it was always going to look like he did the same to her that her husband had. And the details were all different and he could point to dates and small details but he had taken her gift of shelter, then took to someone else and it was a shitty thing to have done. She looked at him now still with shock and resentment but also with a warning in her eyes that said _'don't be like me'._

 

 

 

He cancels all his appointments and appearances for the next day in a flurry and catches a red eye flight back to LA. He's fairly certain he can trust Jen but just the secret drifting out into the world even just a little makes him long to shutter his self away with Adam again. And that picture well...it made him want to do all kinds of things to Adam and he can't decide which is the bigger motivator in cutting his trip short.

 

He gets in at 6am and he knows Adam's where he always resides when Blake is away and he circles around to the back of the house.

“You sleep here last night?” Blake calls across the yard as soon as he spots him even though he knows the answer.

“Yeah....” Adam yells back “What're you gonna do about it?” he adds with a laugh as Blake gets closer.“What're doing back?”

“Baby, you can't sleep in a hammock every night I'm not here.” He ignores Adams second question and lowers his tone like he's trying to gently correct a 5 yr old which in a way he kind of is but he can tell by his facial expression that Adam has no intention of listening to him.

“'Baby' doesn't sound right , either...” He wrinkles his brow thoughtfully like he's trying hard to think of an alternative then lets it go like its impossible “Sleeping outside is essentially camping so...” He drops this point like thats the end of it because it kind of is. Blake has already listed a bunch of reasons why he thinks its weird and dumb to sleep so many nights outside in a hammock and Adam just shrugs and basically says he thought Blake liked camping.

 

He eventually as gracefully as he can climbs into the hammock next to Adam and lays kiss at his temple.

“Is this because of the thing I texted you?” he asks in reference to Blakes early appearance.

“A little... Lets go inside” he urges because he doesn't much like laying too long on something he regards as a “mess of string” plus it isn't conducive to what he wants to be doing right now.

“No.”

“I'm not gonna blow you out here...” he lets this fact linger for a moment before Adam lifts one eyebrow and smiles brightly because he wins this argument either way. He shifts his bare feet into the grass and makes his way towards the house with Blake following right behind him. Adam gets one step inside the sliding glass door and unzips his jeans like making Blake do it as close to the outside is some kind of compromise. But Blake isn't playing that game and instead of sinking to his knees he grabs at Adams face, kissing him hard as he jams him against the closest wall. He pushes his hand down the front of Adams pants and Adam gasps in this sweet breathy way he always does when Blake gets his hand wrapped around his cock like he's still surprised by the feel of Blakes touch.

 

“Fucking giant farmer hands...” Adam whines because he's sort of is bewildered by how much he likes this, how much more he likes the feel of Blakes all encompassing warmth more than anyone he's ever been with. It feels like a power Blake has over him and he melts into him more than he wants to and easily follows him to bed.

 

“You happy now?” Adam sighs like he's annoyed but its only for show as he sprawls out on his back the way Blake likes.

“I am” Blake practically hums as he fixates on the bit of skin right below Adams belly button. He realizes how long he's been obsessed with just that tiny space on Adams body and he's always been surprised that Adam had never in all the time they'd known each other noticed Blakes searing gaze everytime his friends shirt rode up just that tiny bit. And now he's sort of still boiled over by the fact that he can just smooth his hand across that space and of all the things to like on Adams body he knows this is an odd choice for a favorite but it isn't in the lead by much.

“Come on...I was promised some things...” Adam laughs and puts his hand over Blakes and pushes it lower.

“All right”

 

As soon as Blake gets his lips around his cock Adam Starts thrusting into Blakes mouth because the man turns him on too much and he can't really help it. Blake gently takes hold of Adams hips to slow him down but also lets his fingers play along Adams hip bones another of his favorite parts of Adam, though in honesty he didn't have a least favorite. He took a lot of pleasure in getting Adam close to the edge and then pulling him back because the longer he made Adam wait for release the more ragged he got as he desperately grips his fingers into a mess of Blakes hair and draws his legs up in this full body lurching twitch of a motion. Blake gets off on the desperation of it and how badly Adam wants something from him. And its all enough to make him test his luck as he pushes his finger to Adams entrance and Blake isn't sure how Adam will take it because its the one place Blake hasn't explicitly been granted access to and he can feel Adam tense as he moves in a bit further but Adam just flops back harder into bed cocking his hips up just a bit to let Blake do what he wants. But Blake has mercy on him deciding just that bit will last him until Adams ready to give more and he finishes Adam off so he can hear him cry out and shake in the way that he does when he cums.

 

“I'm feelin...a little exposed here.” he says as he acknowledges Blakes total lack of nakedness. Blake had had tunnel vision since before even got home to Adam and all he wanted to do was peel off the layers covering Adam.

“I just want to see you, I don't need anything else” he exhales deeply as he stands back from the bed like he's taking in a painting. And Adam lies back and indulges him lounging about like a greek god.

“Whats happened Blake?” he tilts his head in concern after a moment because Blakes gone too serious again.

“Are you going to miss me, when I go on tour?” Blake asks blatantly wanting open affection with a man who could be stingy with it at times.

“Let me show you...” Adam sits up and leans towards him until he can hook his fingers in Blakes belt loops and pull him closer.

“Maybe... say it too.” He coerces in such a gentle way that it makes something in Adam ache so badly to soothe him.

“I'll miss you so fucking much”

 

 


	12. Intervention

“ _.....you did it to show me up. You always did that. You played guitar better. You sang better. You played drums better. You got more girls. You were perfect and it always pissed me off.”_

“ _You were a better person though, not as vain or showy.”_

“ _Maybe you're aren't anymore either.”_

“ _No...its there. It'll always be there.”_

“ _What is it he calls you? Cocky punk? Arrogant...something?”_

“ _Cocky Rockstar.”_

“ _Right...thats it...” He nods his head slowly almost like its in tune to a song Adam can't hear “Do you think of me when you fuck him?”_

 

He drifts back into the world of the living profoundly annoyed “Fuck you Jamie!” he shouts at the top of his lungs into the sky. _Fuck you for leaving...fuck you for staying..._ He dangles one leg off the hammock so he can push against the ground and gently rock himself back and forth. “He's gotten nasty lately...” he says aloud to himself. Jamie came to him in different ways some angry, some sad, some horrifying and then the best times were when it was like he was still alive as he actually was. He came to him at night more frequently with Blake out on tour and he couldn't really figure on the why his brain would process Blakes absence this way but by now he had stopped trying to fight whatever brought Jamie to him in all his various forms. He would just let the tide roll in knowing eventually it would roll back out and leave him be for at least a little while.

 

He feels that bit of pining he gets for Blake that prickles to the surface every now and again and reaches for his phone to look at the last text he's sent him which reads _“dont sleep outside. Coyotes will eat your face.”_ and Adam misses him a little less and he texts him back a lie about sleeping in bed and he thinks about saying it feels emptier without him but decides against it. _“good. Its a nice face”_ Blake lobs back a few minutes later. Adam plops his phone down in the grass before settling down next to it to do some lazy yoga moves. His attempt at exercise is cut short when he suddenly gets mesmerized by the feel of grass against his skin and he begins rolling around in it a bit like an animal.

 

“Ok, you need to come out with me this instant...” He bolts upright to see her standing there smiling and he wouldn've tried to explain why he was rolling around in the grass but she has his dog with her and he could not contain the feelings he was having over seeing his furry friend. She lets go of the leash and Bones bounds towards him until he's standing over Adam licking his face and it makes Adam giggle like an idiot.

 

“I thought you'd like this” She says as she gets closer.

“Yeah...” he's too busy wrestling with Bones to really fully communicate with her and she sits crossed legged in the grass next to them until the dog gets tired and just lays on Adams chest. “uh...thank you” he adds wearily.

“...your welcome.” She replies less wearily “he's yours...” she tells him that she's put his stuff inside already and Adam bristles at the thought of taking care of him full time. And she smiles at him like she knows he's about to question this decision “I think you need him. Plus he's missed you. He's never that happy to see me...are you Bones?” she reaches over and scratches behind the dogs ear for emphasis.

 

He's feels euphoric in a way that makes him think if he had just come home to Bones after the accident he'd be fine by now. Who needs, family, lovers or therapists when he could've been this whole time bathing in the constant affection of his dog. “I want to grow old with him, be buried next to him when we die together at 103.”

“Well...thats sweet.” She laughs “...now you need to shower and have lunch with me, because I can't leave you here.”

“You can.” He assures her but he looks like absolute shit and she found him rolling around in the lawn so she wasn't going to go until he proved he hadn't lost it. He's half glad she never saw him at his real worst. He does the first of what she asks him and showers, he even shaves for her. He flips through his wardrobe and picks a flowered button down that he hasn't donned in over a year and some slacks. He presents himself to her with his arms outstretched like _see how normal I look!_ He even spins like he's a model.

 

“Great...where do you want to go?”

“B...uh actually I was thinking maybe I should stay here with Bones...get him re-acclimated...”

“He's a dog...”

“A sensitive dog.”

“We're going out or I'm calling your mom.”

“Thats...mature.” He sighs. He had seen his mother exactly twice since he'd been back in LA and she was always that potent mix of pity, disappointment and confusion that he didn't know how to deal with. He couldn't explain why he had needed to run, why he was so ripped up over the accident that he didn't think he'd ever recover from it, he couldn't explain what he did all day or why he wasn't with his wife. He couldn't even explain Blake. And she wanted him to move in with her and be with the family and talk to doctors and it was all exhausting. “Fine...somewhere quick...like burrito truck type thing.”

“Great, We can bring Bones!” She speaks cheerily as if this is something he wants though he'd be lying if he said he wasn't oddly happy to see her which is another thing he chocks up to Blakes absence. He doesn't want to admit that he's struggling with the loneliness more than he thought he would and he keeps his weakness a secret even from Blake or most importantly from Blake.

 

He slips on a hoodie even though its too warm a day for it and he feels conceded for the reasoning but he doesn't want to be approached. He finishes off his outfit with a pair of sunglasses and he grumbles his way out the door, with his wife and his dog and he feels so oddly conflicted about it because its almost sort of normal which is nice in a way.

 

“I thought you'd call about Bones at some point...”She shrugs her shoulders sort of dumbfounded that this is only the second conversation they've had since he's been back.

“I didn't think it was right to ask for him or for anything.” He kind of keeps expecting her to wind around to asking for a divorce but she hasn't and he's never gotten any papers or lawyer calls. He assumes she wants to be untied from him but if she does its not whats on her mind now. They grab some food and head to the park and its like their watching their dumb furry child frolic happily in the sun.

 

“You know what ….this is cool. You're so cool.” He says sort of dorkily but its the absolute truth.“How are you not mad at me? I still don't really get that?”

“I'm just not.” and he wants to lay his head in her lap because she's so fucking chill in this moment he badly wants to be her best friend. Or he wants her to be his best friend again or his best friend instead of his wife...or both or neither...he wasn't really sure. He starts talking about dinosaurs next because he hasn't talked to a real person that wasn't Blake in so long that its the only topic he can readily think of to discuss. She seems to find it charming, or he thinks she does until she looks away from him for a second and he knows she wants to break from lighthearted fun to something else he's sure he doesn't want to hear.

 

“Go on...say it” He urges hoping to get whatever it is over with.

“Everyone really misses you. Your mom especially...” She says thoughtfully.

“I know.” He says in a short, lets not discuss this kind of way and thats when he hears it, the snap of a camera and he grabs at Bones leash to escape but a handful of assholes with camera are already coming at him. He just stands there holding onto his dog and his wife like stupid people do in horror movies as the monster slowly lurches towards them. He's just vaguely aware running with them close behind him is going to look bonkers but should he say something to them...pretend like he's normal? He can see a different version of himself blowing them off or just saying something like _Hey its been a rough time but things are on the up and up. Thanks for the concern._ But instead he freezes up and lets them hit him with a wall of questions before he starts walking away without having said a word and obviously they walk along side him. He doesn't want to look desperate but he really is to get away from them and they're desperate to get him to do or say something ugly, something that will get people to talk about how he should be in rehab or find Jesus or whatever it was people said on the internets about this sort of thing.

 

Most of the questions are about whether he and his wife are back together and then about the bar fight and other variations of “are you out of control?”. But then one voice cuts through the rest “How does it feel to have killed your best friend?” and its so direct, so awful he isn't even sure its not in his head but he stares this man in the face and basically asks him to repeat it, to say it again while he looks him in the eye but before the pap can do as he's asked Adam throws a punch at him and then another and it feels good. As soon as his knuckles connect with him there's this sickly crush of a noise and its satisfying and he feels like he should be alarmed that he wants to annihilate this person but all he feels is unreasonable, immeasurable rage. He can feel his wife tugging on his arm straining at telling him to stop because when this is all said and done he's given them what they wanted. He finishes with a go to unhinged celeb move by smashing the paps camera and shoving it back at him.

 

She gets him home and he thinks she's shaking then realizes maybe its just him and his vision is skewed but he knows she's never seen him that way and she doesn't know what to do and neither does he because he can barely breath and then barely turns into a sort of flailing because he feels like he really can't breath. “Call him...you have to call him...” he gasps at her and dramatically drops to his knees “I need him...” he sounds small and hysterical as he folds into himself.

 

“I dont know what you mean?” She gets next to him and puts her arms around him but he's still half pleading with her to get him something, anything that will help the spinning out. She leaves him for a a few seconds once he starts breathing again. He doesn't move from his kneeling position until she comes back with a glass of water and what he assumes is something like a Valium and he takes it from her hand without an explanation. She gets on the floor to be level with him again.

 

“What do we do now? What would _he_ do?” She asks tentatively. And she asks about him so mysteriously and so hallowed its almost like she's referring to some spiritual entity. But what “he” would do doesn't matter because he's not there. Ultimately Adams alone and its what he's always been terrified of. But then he looks up and she's here and she cares and he needs her and shes stroking his hair so he takes this 1 in a million shot and kisses her. She pulls back because its weird and what he wants now doesn't really jibe with his heaving on the floor minutes earlier. But he kisses her again with more purpose and he looks at her the way he used to because she's perfect and beautiful and familiar. He didn't have to think about how to fuck her or who he'd be after. She was his wife and being inside her felt like going home, like the accident and his life after had been the nightmare and this was real. He takes her upstairs and the sex is quick and uneven but still emotional in a way. Its like reconnecting with an old friend...except with sex. He doesn't get the feeling that this was a fucked up thing to do until a lot later way after its over, way after she's held him. Its only after he wakes up and he can see that distinctive tall figure in the darkness standing at the end of his bed.... but he can't be there. How could he be here? He's almost sure he really isn't because a minute ago he was with his wife and Blake couldn't just appear and he thinks he'll just disappear again in a puff a smoke just as suddenly. He's almost too freaked out to talk to him but when he reaches over to where he thinks his wife is on the other side of the bed and she isn't there he finds he has too many questions to stay quiet.

 

“How are you here?” he croaks out as the figure walks towards him until he's close enough for Adam to see .

“I took a thing called an airplane...” he says softly “...heard you had a rough night. You ok?” He sits at the edge of the bed next to Adam who still pokes his finger into the taller mans shoulder to make sure he's really there.

 

“My stomach hurts”

Blake sits down slowly next to him like he's at his death bed like one small movement out of place will ruin any calm thats been achieved. He smooths his hands around Adams belly in circles not sure it's at all helpful but Adam inches closer to him so he feels safe to assume it is.

 

“I fucked up” he confesses softly because his voice is still a little raw but more than that he's embarrassed about how cyclical he's become. Here he is in another fight, still confused, still dragging Blake around.

 

“I know” Blake thinks he should say something uplifting or wise but nothing is coming to him. All he can think of is rushing through airports like he had a sick infant to get home to and that feeling is still with him as he looks down at his dopey scared manchild. He finds he hates this part the worse, the right after a freak out where everything is so tentative where he's scared for Adam but also frustrated as hell. Theres so many feelings knocking around from the minute he got a call from Adams wife to hearing the gory details of another unhinged panic to being dead on his feet from flying across the country to being greeted by a supermodel in Adams robe when he arrived to now catching a glimpse of Adams naked thigh slip out from under the sheets. He wants to pull back the covers for some reason to dig in and point at the evidence but then he looks at Adams weary little face and what he's done, for whatever reason he's done and it doesn't matter.

 

“I think I'm gonna get sued...”

“I do too.” Blake confirms but its by far the least of their problems but they continue to huddle together and not speak about anything real.

 

The room reeks with doubt and sickness and Adam wants to just fucking acknowledge it “...I slept with Beh...I mean ….I had sex with her.”He clarifies needlessly.

“Yeah...I got that...” And thats all the reaction he has left for him but it seems to agitate Adam as he shifts into a sitting position in all his mostly naked glory that Blake wishes wasn't so distracting.

“That's it?”

“I don't care who you fuck...” Blake breathes and theres a hint of truth in it because the physicality of it doesn't matter. Its that little something else under the surface, that he did this with his wife, with someone he's shared his life with. And he wonders if Adam wants to be the way he was with her again, if he wants to play house with her the way he did before. And then he wonders if thats what he needs because as much as they tried to make it so, Blake wasn't all Adam needed.

 

“Blake...” Adam feels a thump of pain in his chest because some how being let off the hook feels worse than being yelled at.

“We have to go downstairs” Blake announces like its something he's forgotten to tell him “get dressed...” he orders as he digs around in the dark fetching clothes for Adam to wear.

“Why do we...”

“We just do.” Blake answers snapping back in order, tall and straight like a tin soldier.

Adam throws on the sweats he's handed and it feels like a dream with all the quick shifts and stomach churning confusion. Blake hurries him into the brightly lit hallway that stings Adams eyes but Blake keeps pulling him along. When they get to the stairs he can hear voices and he stills and shakes his head no but Blake tells him he has to in a way that Adam doesn't have the strength to question, mostly because he feels like he's leaving his own body in some way. And then he's in room full of people he knows and they all stop to stare at him like he's in a sort of exhibit.

 

It almost hurts to walk away from him, to leave him standing in the middle of them alone. But Blake does it. And Adam sits where they want him to in a daze and tries to give an awkward wave but his hands are balled up in the sleeves of his sweater and it doesn't quite come off as a wave. Blake takes a seat furthest away from him because he's been classified as 'just a friend' while his family and his wife sit closer to him.

 

It all sounds like stuff he's heard before even though its impossible considering he's never been in the middle of a intervention but its all pleading eyes and “we need to get you help” type sentiments and he's pretty sure they think he's addicted to some drug that explains his behavior and he isn't certain what they'd prefer from him, a crack habit or the truth that what ails him is a broken, guilty heart.

 

They grasp at straws suggesting things to each other round table style. They blame fame and his work schedule and everything and when they decide on what happened they decide on how to fix it and they talk about him like he's Britney Spears circa 2007, like he's mentally ill and thats not what this is. He got angry and punched a guy who accused him of killing his best friend....thats why they're all there today. And he isn't sure why he's let them go on so long...probably the Valium has something to do with it but finally he stands up and they all hush around him like they had forgotten he was even there and are now suddenly shocked to see him.

 

“I have a therapist.” this is not what he meant to say really ...but he does think of it as a sort of compromise between ordering them out of his house and agreeing to go to a rehab. But its so out of nowhere and it sounds so strange that they all don't know how to respond except for Blake who lets out this stifled little breath of a laugh.

 

“You need your family, you need to...” His mom tries to choose her words carefully but she doesn't have to because he can finish it on his own _...be who you were before_. Thats what they want,they want him to just stop struggling because they miss him and its not as if he can't appreciate this fact or even empathize because he's looking into his dear mothers face and he wants to be fun and well adjusted and relate to her in this way they always have. And he wants to wrap his arm around his wifes waist like she's his and talk about when they'll have kids and give his poor mom grandchildren. He wants to give them what they long for. But they can't pay some doctor to fix him, they can't blame it on something that doesn't exist.

 

“You can't be on your own anymore...thats clear.” His father speaks up like he's taking charge, like he has to strong arm this and Adam smiles because he realizes this is what it takes to get your divorced parents together on a couch and he looks them over and oddly he feels a bit like a little kid standing there in front of his parents trying to explain something he can't get them to understand because they're too focused on what _needs to happen._

 

“I'm not on my own” he finally resolves because the one truth in a ll this is that Blake has always been there until now. And he corrects this with a small addition of “at least I wasn't” and he looks down at his friend because he led him down into this pit of an intervention and then stayed quiet while they all accused him of being a meth head or whatever. So he fucked his wife...is this what it all boiled down to? Blake just has nothing to say now?

 

“Who...who have you had?” His mom asks as she looks at his wife puzzled making it clear they have been in close contact since this whole situation started and she knows he hasn't been with her this whole time.

 

“Blake was here...or I was with him.” He says it so tenderly that it confuses them all because their minds aren't quite ready to see that maybe Adam has a lover in Blake, but they can see that theres something amiss, something askew of just buddies.

 

“Well, he's clearly done a great job looking after you...” His father says sarcastically like they hired a incompetent babysitter who's let Adam stay up past his bed time and eat all the sweets in the house. He keeps checking Blake, waiting on him but Blake just sits there like an uncommunicative lump and it strikes Adam that maybe he's done. Maybe he's just ushering him into someone elses arms than taking off. It hurts in a way that he can't really hide and the more he stares at Blake and dares him too look back the more shakey he gets.

 

“Say something!” He starts towards Blake as his father tries to keep him from doing so, they want him in one spot, one manageable little spot so they can tell him what he needs but he won't stay there. Blake doesn't move, he doesn't look at him even though Adam is standing over him. He kicks Blake in the shin just this quick jab of a kick to wake him up.

 

“Hey!” Blake raises his voice in this corrective tone but Adam is still so defiant that it doesn't rattle his resolve.

 

“You want me to move in with my mom? Are you done?” He feels a break in his voice and it bothers him but he can tell it bothers Blake more.

 

“Do you want me to be, Adam?” Blake stands so that he towers over him now “do you need me to be?” because maybe Adams dad was being condescending but he wasn't wrong. All Adam had in the world for months was Blake and where had that gotten him?

 

“No.” Adam answers simply because it was too unfathomable a thought that Blake wouldn't be with him now after all this time. After they fought through their brief stupid separation, they couldn't do it again because Adam doubted he could survive it. But Blake is dodging him, he's making it easier in his head to walk away and Adam feels helpless to stop it.

 


	13. Because the night

He's been here before. He's done this before... he knows it ,he can feel it like a phantom pain as he peels around another bend in the road. He moves under the cover of the pitch black night sky like a fugitive. Another hairpin turn...then comes the thing he likes best...the high pitched squeal of the tires straining against the road beneath him. In all the months of cowering away from this he'd forgotten just how fucking cool it makes him feel. He smiles to himself until the set of headlights behind him gets closer and reminds him he's being tracked. He speeds up again but so do they. Their lights flood his car until he's almost blind ...but he still wont stop.

 

He only vaguely knows where he's going at first and then it doesn't matter...eventually he'll hit beach and thats what he wants. He yearns for the feel of it, the smell of it because its simple and its constant. And it's always where he ends up, laid flat in the sand with nothing to think about except the sounds of waves crashing to shore. He gets so drunk on even the thought of just being somewhere else he swerves out of reality and then literally, almost sending him shrieking off the road. A long sustained blow of a car horn from behind him punctuates the moment...fills his space, bothers him.

 

He figures its paparazzi at first but their pursuit is a little too dogged and then he isn't sure again. Another squeal of a turn seems to slow them down and then another loses them for awhile. He drives through miles of deserted darkness at break neck speeds until he lurches to a stop and stumbles out of his car and onto his knees like he's just made landfall. He doesn't close the car door or even take the keys out of the ignition he just crawls a few feet over and stretches out on his back in the middle of a small sand dune.

 

He draws the briny ocean air deep into his lungs and then lets out a breathy little chuckle that transitions into this deep soul shaking laugh. It echoes around him almost ominously like some foreboding doom is about to befall him but it only makes him laugh harder. He got free...he isn't specifically clear on what he's free from, its more a feeling that bubbles up the more he thinks about leaving and the deep satisfaction of being on his own again. He doesn't have to care about anyone else but himself which is fitting considering its what he was always been best at anyway. When doubt creeps in he pushes it away, sits straight up and looks out into the black rolling tide. All he needs to do is pick up his passport and some money and he can be even more gone. Because if an hours worth of a drive away feels like this... imagine what a few continents away could do.

 

He settles back down, balls his jacket into a makeshift pillow, and stares up at the stars because theres nothing left to do tonight but lay low. Tomorrows when he'll fuss and plan and think about consequences but for now he's just going to listen to the waves roll in and then out and then in again...over and over...

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ ...at least you got what you wanted” he sounds so far away until suddenly he isn't and he's huddled over him.

“...And whats that?” Adam replies lazily scooting around until his face is right under his.

“To never really be seen”

“Dude...I get on stage in front of millions for a living...my face is on magazines, in tabloids...my voice is all over the radio. I'm seen...I'm never not seen.” Adam does this fake little laugh, the kind you make when you want the person your talking to to know they've said something stupid.

“I hate when you do that”

What?”

“When you try to not understand me” Jamie's features all squash into this overly elaborate display of disappointment and it cuts through Adam until he's just this doe eyed mound of mush.

“I miss you.” he breathes as he reaches for him but Jamies already far away again.

“I think you miss him more....”

 

He scrambles up on to his knees uncoordinated and sluggish “Wait” he mumbles as he struggles to even see where he is, sloshing through loose sand, sinking deeper the more he tries to stand.

 

“Is he still angry?” the voice hums from behind him and Adam twists around to find Blake sat there a few feet away watching him.

 

“No..he's...I dont know...being deep.” He scratches at his hairline only to flake off a tiny fraction of the million grains of sand now embedded in his scalp. He's reasonably sure he's turning into another life form, imagines colonies of tiny crabs making homes for themselves in his ear canals “How'd you find me?” He asks warily like he had been at all inconspicuous in his escape.

 

Blake shakes his head and looks past Adam, out into the horizon like its not a question worth answering and Adam finds himself staring at his profile outlined in moonlight. He wonders if he's always known how stunning Blake can be or if he's just realizing it now.

 

“You didn't have to leave” He finally sighs in a tone that Adam reads as disappointed.

“I didn't want to stay”

“They were trying to help...”

“Is that what you were doing?” Adam meanders away before Blake answers making his way closer to the water. Blakes the one who wanted to leave, he's the one who kept eyeing the door like it was his life force. So Adam beat him to the punch? What cares?

 

“I'm not fishing you out again!” Blake calls after him already exhausted at the long road Adam's going to make him travel to get to any conclusions and then Adam turns to face him with this sweet smirk of a smile. “Yes you will...” he replies without even a hint of hesitation because its absolutely true and they both know it.

 

Blake scrapes his hand across his face, scratches at the stubble at his jaw. He's thinking too much.

Adam walks backwards to watch him until Blake stands up then Adam swiftly turns back around and trots away until his toes meet the waters edge.

“Where are you going to go?” Blake asks as he gets closer. Adam doesn't answer, starts to drift further into the surf until Blake places his hand lightly on his shoulder “Come on, Adam. Lets just do this, ok?”

“Do what?” he asks absently as he kicks at the tide washing in.

“You know _what.._ ”

“Do whatever you want to do Shelton...we dont have to have some talk about it.” he shirks out of Blakes grasp tries to trudge a little bit further out but Blake isn't having it, jerks him backwards with his hands firmly at Adams waist.

 

“Just give me a minute...” He leans down to whisper it softly to Adam, tries to keep the calm. But this is what Adam ran from. Every move, every word Blake uttered was dripping with goodbye and now he had the audacity to follow him here to make him hear it outright and Adam so intensely doesn't want to hear it.

 

“Go fuck yourself...” Adam shoves him away hard enough that Blake almost waffles over but it doesn't deter him. When Adam walks away Blake jogs beside him even as Adam looks through him like he's not even there. He puts on a good show even casually stripping off his shirt in preparation for a swim and tossing it just past Blake. And when Blake huffs exaggeratedly it only fuels Adam further.

 

“Adam...” Blake's whole body postures in protest but Adam just keeps stripping down until he's only clad in pair of boxer briefs. “Jesus...Would you grow up?” He bites his lip and turns away, tries to cover over his tiny eruption but all the frustration, all the pushing and pulling is still there stuck between them.

 

“Go home” Adam orders to him so sure he will obey because he's giving Blake the gift of permission but when he tries to walk away again Blake still won't let him. He jerks him back and turns him around so gruffly it throws Adam off guard.

 

“I only wanted what was best for you. Maybe...” He pauses a beat for emphasis “ _maybe_...what happened back there wasn't the way to have gone about things but...” Blake shrugs like he can't think even now of how he could have better handled things.

 

“Ok.” Adam shrugs back apathetically mimicking Blake like they're at stand still, which they kind of are. Blake marched him down into a ambush then checked out. What was Adam supposed to do with that?

 

“They thought you needed help...” he fiddles with his hair again which just makes him look kind of boyish and dumb “...they sounded like they knew what the fuck they were doing....and I didn't know what to do...”

 

“But you don't have to know what the fuck you're doing anymore. Thats what I've been trying to tell you....” He throws his arms up frantically because Blake is like a wall, he just can't shift him “you can go. I want you to.” He says the last few words slowly like Blakes hard of hearing.

“Don't do that...” Blake warns louder than he should “...don't pretend it's that simple.”

'It fucking is though. I'm going to go away...and you'll stay and thats it...” He pretends like that really is all there is to it until Blake looks almost disgusted with him. And thats when he knows he'll let him slip off for a least a little while.

 

 

 

XXX

 

 

 

 

Why is he still surprised when Adams a dismissive piece of shit? Before he can even consider what to say or do next Adams traipsing into the surf like an overgrown child. He rolls his eyes and trudges back to his truck and grabs a stray blanket from the back. Then he circles back to the spot he had settled into when he first arrived...when he first spotted Adam curled up asleep in the sand. He had looked so small and angelic it gave Blake the false impression that he would be more malleable when he woke up. But that was probably the problem from the start of this whole evening...thinking Adam could be led...that he ever did anything he didn't want to.

 

He watches Adam with a weary parental eye as he bobs along the dark waves occasionally falling beneath them and then quickly popping back up. He doesn't know why he bothers to worry, Adam's by far a better swimmer than Blake.... practically a merman in comparison. But he still stays in attention even when Adam flops onto his back into wet sand where only small ripples of water can reach the tips of his feet.

 

He's trying to wait out Blake but its not going to work. They're going to have a conversation maybe one last one but they're going to have it even if Blake isn't sure what it even is he wants to say...its just this nagging feeling that won't let go of him that something needs to be said.

 

Luckily or maybe unluckily Adams too impatient to stay in one place no matter the reason or the cause and he eases his sluggish body up and shuffles his way back towards Blake with his shoulders slumped and his arms folded across his chest. He's wet and cold but he's fighting the shiver that's trying to tremble through him. He's going to say something ugly or he's going string together an expletive filled sentence that ends up being just a bloated way of ordering Blake to leave again. But Blake can't focus on that, he's too distracted by the the wet hair matted down on Adams forehead and the flecks of water that glisten on his chest and most damningly by the wet boxer briefs that cling to his body with almost pornographic clarity. Even when he's awful he's beautiful. Blake hates that about him. Blake loves that about him.

 

“You feel better?” he pretends like he doesn't know Adams main objective has been to avoid him and Adam in turn cocks his head to the side and looks at him like he's an idiot. And maybe he is but he continues on, offers Adam his blanket...which Adam treats like he's trying to hand him a dead rat. “You're cold...just take it.”

He doesn't take it. He instead moves to push around Blake towards his car but Blake does what he's done all night and interrupts him, slings the blanket around Adams shoulders and then uses his hold to tug Adam back to him. “You're about out of gas...you're not going to get very far.”

“I'll get as far as a gas station hopefully.” Adam offers so neutrally its as if they've just met here... virtual strangers.

You dont even know where you are...”

“I guess I'll just use this thing called a cell phone to find out.”

“Who are you going to call if your car stops before you find a gas station?”

“I'll get an Uber...”

“What if I throw your fucking phone into the ocean?”

 

This gets his attention and his head snaps up to meet Blakes eye and he looks momentarily puzzled until Blake moves quickly towards Adams discarded pants. Adams a little slow on the uptake but gets to him right as Blake's pulling the phone out of Adams pocket. He tries to wrestle it from Blake but its over the second Blake plays keep away by holding the phone as high as he can over his head. Never underestimate the value of exceptional height.

 

He kind of expects Adam to kick him in the balls or scream in his face or whine incessantly but he does none of those things. He pulls the blanket tighter around his body and spins around like he's scanning the area or mapping out an escape route but its probably all just a bullshit attempt at misdirection. Blake stashes the phone in his back pocket and pulls Adam back in, tugs at him until he's in his space again because proximity is important when it comes to Adam paying attention. But now that he has it, now that he's finally standing still and letting him close, Blake finds he doesn't know exactly where to start.

 

“I want you to be happy.” Its a bland blanket statement and he knows it but its just a starting point and it helps that its true. Adam's unimpressed , he nods his head with pursed lips like this is a waste of his time and Blake doesn't really blame him for it. “and when I found you ...how I found you, after you and your wife....” He trails off making a swaying hand gesture to try to illustrate Adam and his wifes having had sex which gets an audible groan from Adam in response. “I thought maybe this is the perfect thing...a start to you reconnecting to a life that made you happy, that you were good at.”

 

A plethora of emotions cross Adams face, his features finally settling on a confused kind of anger. “So.... I should get back together with my wife then? Is that what you guys decided?” He nods again more forcefully aping a person whos actually considering doing such a thing. “....I'll just go do that...problem solved.” he lets out this small humorless laugh.

 

“I didn't mean it like that.” he can almost feel Adam rearing up to throw Blakes charge of being 'simplistic' back in his face, but he doesn't. He just looks resigned, waiting for Blake to finish his spiel. And somehow its worse than a fight.“I just...”

 

“...want whats best...” Adam cuts him off “...we've covered that...”

 

“Let me...” He's starts then stops getting more and more flustered. He clamps his hands down onto Adams shoulders because he can see Adam drifting away again and he can't yet. It isn't lost on him that they are on opposite sides of where they were in Adams living room an hour or so ago when Adams rounded pleading eyes were begging Blake not to leave. “you worry the shit out of me...all the time.... the hiding and the isolation.... I dont know what to do...” He pauses briefly to try and grasp at anything that resembles a solid point but he does it in a way that creates this dense quiet that could be mistaken for meaningful silence. “I can't be the thing that stands in the way of you being ok.” He's thinks at best he's an enabler, at worst he gained from Adams loss. At least he thought thats how he felt until Adam gives him this squinted eye shake of the head like he doesn't understand what he's hearing and then Blake considers he might have given himself too much credit.

 

“Why are you so convinced there's a right way to do this?” Adam stares up wearily but contemplative like he hasn't been the one punching reporters and swimming in a freezing ocean in the middle of the night...like he's the king of sound decisions. And somehow everything gets even fuzzier...the right...stoic thing to do was easy in a room full of people that thought he had been reckless with their loved one but now he's here again...back on their island where what he ought to do and what he wants do gets so tangled up he can't see how to separate them.

 

“I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.” Blake leans down so he can say it close as if they were in danger of being overheard.

'You didn't....”

“I saw your face when you thought I was leaving” he speaks with a softness that most people reserve for crying children or ailing old people but theres a sincerity to it that pairs rather nicely with his piercingly earnest gaze.

 

“I don't need you, Blake. I never needed you.” He knows it sounds like jab but its just the way of it, he doesn't need anybody. Everyone may have forgotten it but Adam hasn't. “So if this is it. If this is more than you can handle...or want...its fine.”

 

The wind starts to stir dramatically almost on cue to howl between them. It feels symbolic even more so when grains of sand whip at them so hard it stings. Adam squidges away, hides himself from it but Blake stays put, lets it hit him. If he leaves now Adam will be on his own and he can't bear it even though he knows what Adams said is true. Maybe he wants Adam to need him.

 

“Let's go.” He shouts over the loud roar of thunder.

“or I'll be soaked?” Adam laughs still sopping wet from his ocean rebellion. He doesn't even flinch when the lightening crashes closer and the angry gusts of wind pummel them with fat rain drops.

“Grab your clothes and get in the truck.” He knows he shouldn't be making orders, that it tends to only make things worse so he clears his throat and tries to ingratiate himself to Adam “please...I'm asking...”

“I'm not going home yet.”

“I'll take you somewhere else.” his voice strains with a full bodied desperation that he knows Adam can see. His whole act is cracking apart, every intention, every upstanding notion goes out the window the second he thinks Adam might not come with him. And it doesn't matter if Blake caused this vacant awful stare that's reflecting back at him, it doesn't matter that his own distance made Adam crust over to protect himself...none of it registers. And the only thing he has left at his disposal is brute force as he snatches Adam up by the elbow. The saving grace being that Adam puts up very little resistance as Blake ushers him into the passenger side of his truck. He still feels off kilter though and he walks slowly back to pick up Adams clothing, hoping the churning in his stomach and the nervy buzz that feels like an electric current shooting up his spine will subside before he has to get back in the truck with him.

 

His hand hovers over the door handle until it becomes clear no amount of waiting is going to help so he takes the plunge and swings the door open like everythings normal like he hasn't just been strolling around, killing time in a torrential downpour. He hands Adam his soggy clothes like he's handing him a present and Adam looks him up and down like its an oddity before he takes them and elaborately and immediately lets them flop down on to the floor mat beneath his feet with a wet, squishy thud.

 

They could talk right there in the car. Blake could say all the things he thought he needed to say...just blurt them out and let them land but they all slip his mind. He's running on a different kind power source then he was hours ago and his breath keeps hitching and he stares forward gripping the steering wheel before he's even put the key in the ignition. Why does he always have to feel like he's doing something wrong?

 

He turns to say something generic like 'buckle up” or 'we'll be there in no time' like he's a fucking cab driver because it feels like he has to fill the space with some kind of noise...any kind of noise. The words are at the tip of his tongue but thats where they stay because when he turns around to face him, Adams staring straight at him and he isn't sure whether its out of concern or curiosity or just some random thing he's doing but its intent and affecting and not at all what Blake expected. It's just one fraction of a second but it feels like for the first time tonight Adams really there with him, clear and open and it punches Blake in the gut. Then everythings just white noise like some kind of fight or flight shit and he lunges forward over the console until his lips clash gracelessly against Adams. It knocks Adams head back against the side window with a hard smack but it doesn't daze either of them and Adam lets Blakes tongue play against his own in this dirty, hungry grope of a kiss. He digs his fingers into Adams wet hair until Adams almost locked into place. He tastes him, he devours him until his stubble starts to grate against Blakes face like rug burn and it brings him back to earth. He puts his hand to Adams chest pulling them apart abruptly and pushing himself firmly back into the driver side. It's like a fit of madness has passed between them and they both face forward again quietly as if it hadn't happened and Blake can almost talk himself into believing it was just a vivid daydream like the ones he had when he was on the road and he'd dream of Adam. Day or night, it didn't matter he haunted Blake everyday he was away from him with so much desire sometimes he could barely function.

 

“You're going to make this harder...” Adam sighs reclining back into his seat. If this is some farewell tour then Blakes shooting himself in the foot and Adam almost pities him for it.

 

They speed off into the unknown stopping only twice, once for gas and once for Blake to pace outside the truck on his phone and then they're there, parked in front of a crooked little beachfront shack. He almost questions if he's looking at the right place but when he turns back to see a dopey smiling Blake he knows they are indeed at their intended destination.

 

The inside of their home for the night matches the outside, worn and faded but Adam kind of likes it, feels like it matches their vibe at the moment. He picks around the house surveying it, looking for a distraction or hidden treasures of some kind. He finds nothing of interest among the meager furnishings and spins around in a bit of confusion like its just occurred to him that theres nothing to do but stare at one another.

 

“I dont think theres anything here to drink...” He announces speaking at the walls like he's complaining to the house itself. Which is just as well because Blake isn't paying him much attention, rather he's draping Adams clothes carefully over a heater to dry with a kind of focus the task doesn't quite warrant. But it reminds Adam of the damp blanket thats still across his shoulders and he slips it off and hands it to Blake with an unsteady, outstretched hand the same way Blake had handed it to him, or tried to at least.

“You know... we could do whatever we want tonight” He isn't even really sure how he means it until Blake flinches in response and Adam comes to the realization that his impulse is as reprehensible as Blake suspects.

“and you dont think _that...”_ Blake points towards the bed “will make 'this harder'”

“I'm just trying to finish what you started.” He smiles in this 'who gives a fuck' kind of way because if everythings burning down anyway why not go out being reckless with themselves, afterall this is how they say goodbye...why fight it. But Blake is fighting it, like it will do anything but feel good. And thats really all Adam needs right now is to feel good but he's just barely there anyway and whatever they do doesn't really bother him one way or another. “Shit, Blake...it was just an option. It doesn't fucking matter.”

 

Blake looks like a pious asshole as he crosses the space to sit at the edge of the bed with his arms folded across his chest like he didn't just maul Adams face off in the car a few minutes ago...like he doesn't want to do it again. It doesn't make sense to Adam and he walks closer to Blake so that he's standing in front of him because how did he think this would go? He put them in a one room shack with one bed and now he's acting like they should retreat to their own corners...when theres literally nowhere else to go, nowhere in this place you can stand without only ever being a few feet from each other. Adam slides down to the floor so he can sit directly in the path of Blakes downcast gaze. He feels like he's moving into some other mood, something more curious and spacey which he attributes to being the kind over tired thats past sleep and into a hazy gray area where you feel almost high. And whatever they do now isn't deep or conflicting...its just running out the clock.

 

“I have to go get my dog...”

“ok.” Blake nods but he seems stuck in his own thoughts which only inspires Adam to talk more.

“I think Bones would like living on an island...maybe in a haunted mansion. Somewhere I can grow into an old eccentric who smokes pipes and owns a tiger.”

“I dont think Bones will like the tiger.” Blake adds finally looking at him again with only the slightest look of amusement before growing just a bit more serious again “You can't outrun him.”

“Bones or the tiger?”

“You know who...don't be a shit.”

“I wish we had something to drink, it feels like we should toast the good times or something...” He completely ignores Blakes assertions. Smiles up at him like that's why they came here.

“Before you run away to an island...”

“And you go back on tour...” he gets up onto his knees sidles closer to Blake until he's practically between Blakes outstretched legs and raises up an invisible glass “cheers” he holds his position until Blake gives in and says it back. Then he ducks down and kisses Adams forehead like he can't help it, like theres too much bottled up not to give in to at least that. And Adam takes it as a sign and balances his hands on Blakes knees to push himself up and catch Blakes lips.

“Let me fuck you goodbye...” Adam speaks with so much dirt in his voice. “...again” he adds with a dumb little laugh.

 

Blake's blue eyes look as though they're dancing but he doesn't say anything and Adam decides to take that combination of things as an invitation. He curls his fingers around Blakes belt buckle taking great pleasure in sliding it off and flinging it away. He wants to clear it all off and he wants to do it quickly as he tugs at his pants until Blake gingerly lifts himself up enough for Adam to strip him free of them. Its an accomplishment or it feels that way anyway and Adam runs his hands from Blakes calves to his thighs like he had something to do with whats before him, as if he molded them himself from clay.

 

He doesn't feel as detached as he thought he would, rather he feels almost giddy, like he's won. He kisses the skin at Blakes upper thigh, the last bit of skin before he's covered up again by cartoonishly large striped boxers. Adam slips his fingers under the hem and inches the fabric up before trailing another kiss there. It feels more worshipy then what he had intended at the start but then Blake digs his fingers into Adams hair, massaging at his scalp the way he knows Adam likes. Blake also knows the way it distracts him and Adam rests his forehead on Blakes knee because he can't concentrate on doing anything else but this. He suspects he's being buttered up...made submissive for an oncoming slaughter then Blake pretty much confirms it when he leans down to whisper in Adams ear.

 

“Let me drive...”

 

Adam doesn't look up, he just closes his eyes and lets out this deep laborious breath.

 

“You'll like it...” Blake adds so assuredly that Adam nods yes into Blakes leg quicker than even he himself expected.

 

It's just sex. Sex is fun. Or thats what he tells himself when Blake enthusiastically hoists him onto his back into the center of the bed but theres this nervous tickle growing in his stomach despite himself. The only thing he can compare the feeling to is the one he felt the first time he gave Jamie head. And how it had felt so awkward letting someone else inside his mouth rather than the other way around. And it was the same hang up then as it is now...its only a big deal because Adams made it that way, until the act itself takes on meaning it doesn't need. And yet here he is again, a hundred years later underneath a different best friend, letting him push past his barriers.

 

Blake climbs on top of him, leaves delicate little pecks at his clavicle then up his neck. He's naked now and Adam doesn't quite recall when that happened but they're both nested together. This is when things get more hurried, when he looks up at Blake and he's full of want and hunger and Adam wants him to take him. Even though he thinks he's going to feel weaker, less masculine when its finished. After all, how many Victoria secret models did it take to make him feel like a man... to cover over the very urges he's acting on right now? But he wants Blake to have this more than he cares how it might make him feel.

 

“I'm too old to be new at something like this..”

 

Blake lets his forehead flop down to rest against Adams, and he takes this deep breath but in a way that suggests Adam should do the same, then he lifts himself up on his arms a bit to smile sweetly down at him.

 

“I got you” Blake breathes

 

And Adam believes him. Blake's got this. Everythings gonna be fine, its stupid to think it won't be. He wraps his legs around Blakes waist and nods 'yes 'again.

 

When Blake pushes inside him at first it feels... underwhelming and maybe a little weird.

 

“Does it hurt?”

“I guess...not really.” Adam shrugs like Blakes just asked him about the weather and Blake laughs because he sounds so indifferent after all this build up. Then Adam pivots his hips a little, tries to move Blake around inside him because he doesn't get what all the fuss is about and he's starting to get impatient.

 

“Give it a second...” He slips his hands under Adams ass starts to rhythmically but glacially move in and out until Adam relaxes around him a little more. Then he gathers Adams legs up to lift them a little higher, carefully angles him, pulls all the way out and then with a look that rivals Adams own usual cockiness, thrusts back in. And thats when things start to snap together, it’s like Adam's being forced open and inside out, and his most vulnerable core is exposed and touched and it becomes something other than good or even amazing... its golden.

 

He props himself up as far he can and cranes his neck to watch Blake do the incredible thing it is he's doing to him. But he's a little bit too undone to watch the magic trick for long and he falls back with a shudder.

 

 

 

 

It isnt what Blake expected in a lot of ways but he's most distinctly surprised by how giving Adams being. He had thought Adam would toy with him, or be in general the kind of brat he tends to become anytime theres the perception of a power shift. But now in stark contrast, he's crying out for him, lacing his fingers with Blakes and its more than he ever thought Adam could allow.

 

He wants to live inside Adam, buy up real estate on his heaving chest or those creases that exist between his abs in his thighs that form this perfect V of a line that Blake could spend the rest of his days smoothing his fingers over and still never tire of them. And it doesn't make sense to feel the way he does, but he feels this oneness, like he's just melding into him and that feeling only grows the more welcoming and needy Adams undulating hips become beneath him.

 

 

When Adam cums first in all his twitchy, unbridled glory it isn't a surprise considering how wildly he'd started bucking against Blake, arching his throbbing cock into Blakes hand in an unbridled display of enthusiasm Blakes never seen in him before. Its otherworldly, its desire personified, its fucking beautiful. And the spasms of Adams orgasm almost pull Blake to climax right then with him but he doesn't quite yet, he holds steady until Adams spent and everything goes soft and pliant and he pushes deeper into that warm softness. And when Adam relaxes back with stars in his eyes, all dreamy and satiated thats when Blake finishes inside him with blinding intensity.

 

He doesn't know what Adam wants him to do now. Is this where their supposed to do their farewells still naked and flush against one another or should it wait? And then it doesn't matter as he grabs at the back of Adams head and pulls at him until Adams face is buried in his shoulder and he holds him in this grip that's all at once sincere and loving but also insanely restraining. He thinks Adam will push away, reject him when his heart is somehow at its fullest but Adam doesn't, he leans into Blakes hold, pulls him down further until he's buried in him.

 

He feels he should say something like ask him if it was good for him but he already knows Adam liked it, it had seemed pretty clear during. And then he cant really think of anything else to say and Adam just burrows in as much as he can like he's building a fort out of Blake. He sort of pictures him under there with a flashlight and a magazine, maybe eventually donning a miners hat and tunneling out through the mattress and making a grand escape. Whatever it is they're doing it doesn't exactly feel like a normal cuddle the way Adam keeps slumping down in his weird little way. Its sort of akin to the way he is after a nightmare, the way he likes Blake to bear all his weight on him. It runs through his mind that this is a bad sign. You shouldn't have the same reaction to mind blowing sex as you do to a bad dream. But then Adam sighs sleepily, winds his fingers between them to play in Blakes chest hair and then it doesn't feel so out of the ordinary anymore. When Adam feels vulnerable, Blakes his shell...and thats not so bad.

 

“You feel weird?”

“No.”

“Different?”

“No.”

“Will you talk to me...”

“about what?”

“I don't know... anything...thoughts...feelings...comments about what an amazing lover I am...”

“You're...passable.”

 

Blake doesn't have to see him to know he's smiling. He crawls down Adams body so his face is level with his own. He kisses his lips then pulls back to breathe him in a little more because Adam can pretend giving himself to Blake wasn't a big deal now but Blake is finding it hard to do the same. He sighs in this bittersweet way because this whole night has been framed as an end point and Blake regrets getting to that point now and its written all over his face. Adams feelings seem more ambiguous. Only a little less so when he rolls his eyes in disgust at Blake's bit of anguish, then pushes up to wrap his teeth around Blakes chin. He bites down hard enough to leave an indent but nothing more, he even growls a little for effect.

 

“I can't do without you.” it falls out of Blakes mouth so naturally even though he probably shouldn't say shit like this to Adam right now. He's been alternately telling Adam to run towards a new stable life then begging him in one way or another to stay with him. And its not exactly fair.

 

“I need a cigarette...” Adam ignores his transgression and slides out from under him. He's so fucking cool again. He even has a swagger as he picks up the crumpled bedspread from the floor to sling across himself. Blake can't help but just watch, he doesn't know how he gets into these fogs where every muscle contraction, every movement of Adams seems so poetic. He brazenly steps out onto the rickety porch in only his chosen covering which drags behind him like a train on the robe of a derelict king.

 

Blake doesn't immediately follow, lets Adam take a few drags and a little space too. Maybe taking a little time for himself as well. Because the day is breaking and tomorrow is finally today and Adams going to hand down his final judgment.

 

He eventually pulls on his jeans and ambles his way over to lean in the doorway but he finds himself stoned by Adams backlit silhouette clouded in smoke. He doesn't want Adam to notice him. He could just stay there and Blake could stay where he is in this in between space where hope can still hang in the air like flecks of dust floating about and glowing in the sun like dancing golden sprites. Then he remembers dust is just dead skin cells and bunch of other gross shit and that is, as it turns outs a really a great metaphor for hope. And with that he decides to take the plunge by tiptoeing his bare foot out onto the old wooden porch making the obligatory creaking shriek that seems to accompany structures of this condition.

 

Adam doesn't turn to acknowledge him but Blake still moves to sit right next to him on the top stair. He even kisses the top of Adams head for good measure on his way down.

 

“Ok...” Blake smiles wearily “What're we doing today?”

“I don't know.” He offers Blake his cigarette like he's passing him a joint. Blake shakes his head no and Adam puts it back to lips and breathes it in deep.

“Can I tell you I love you?”

“No.” Adam smiles back at him “How are you this predictable?”

 

Blake takes his chances at another kiss landing one at the side of Adams neck.

“Aren't you worried some asshole will see you do that...take a picture and then you're the disgraced gay country guy?”

“I could dry hump you on live television and people would just laugh...call it 'bromantic'”

“Sure...” Adam nods but he isn't convinced and honestly neither is Blake. He's just making dumb jokes because its easier. Anything is easier than poking more holes in their already flawed relationship.

 

 

 


End file.
